


The Mistake

by AloneShadow



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Decisions, Cliffhangers warning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Friendship/Love, Hurt Bones, Love, M/M, Memories, Mild Language, Mystery, Plot, Poor Bones, Post-Star Trek (2009), Pre-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Protective Kirk, Revenge, Sad Kirk, and cats, sexy moments, some magic and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-28 12:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11417523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AloneShadow/pseuds/AloneShadow
Summary: The Enterprise's crew just ended a mission on a recently discovered planet and they're ready to return to Earth. James T. Kirk have no idea that what happened during their journey is nothing compared to what he'll have to face once back home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I ended up stuck somewhere before and is NOT very funny but most of the time real things inspire me to write my stories, so...  
> Well, I wasn't on a spaceship or something, sadly...
> 
> Also, this fic is dedicated to my veterinary because when I took my cat for a check, reading his name is Kirk, the Vet smiled and said: "Now you have to take another one so you can call him Spock." My inner fangirl soul was crying. #Doctordidyoujust #Ican'teven #whataboutMcKirk?

“Can you imagine Spock’s face?” 

“I can.” 

“He was so focused on trying to understand what they wanted from us, if they still wanted to kill us, instead they-“ 

“They gave you a bunch of junks and food… is this a carrot?” Leonard McCoy murmured staring at the blue _carrot_ on the table with an unsure frown. 

“Exactly! Yes, it is- I mean… it tastes like a carrot, but also like an apple pie!” 

“Apple pie?” Sulu laughed, leaving the bed of the Enterprise’s Medical bay. 

“You already eat it, didn’t you?” The doctor sent a cold glare at his captain. 

James T. Kirk was too excited to even notice, “Yes, of course. They also gave us some strange things we need to take back to HQ,” he continued while the doctor was bandaging his arm. 

“As if this ship wasn’t a deadly space-trap already…” 

“Bones, relax. Spock is taking care of it, it’s all good.” 

“If you say so…” 

“I do.” 

“Otherwise, you’ll be the one paying for my funeral,” Leonard said, smashing a patch over his cheek. 

“Ouch! Hey!” 

Hikaru Sulu huffed a laugh and then nodded at the captain, “I’ll be on the bridge, sir. Ready to depart at your command.” 

“We can prepare to warp, then. We’re done here.” 

“Yes, sir.” That said, Sulu left the room with just some light scratches on his neck. 

Leonard looked back at the captain, “You sure it’s safe to take those things with us?” 

“Scotty will take a look as well, don’t worry.” 

The doctor nodded slowly, staring at his arm with a pensive glare, fighting with himself not to touch it again. “Jim…” he saw him turn around, not the slightest sign of worry on his face. Taking a deep breath, he said, “You need anything else?” and for a moment, he saw something in Kirk’s eyes... something like shame, but it was gone in a second. 

“I’m fine. Thanks for the help.” And that said, he left. 

Leonard took another deep breath and looked out the window: the Nay’la planet they just visited was as colorful as the first time they saw it, but at least not an enemy anymore. It took the crew some days to meet the leaders of the population and make clear that they were explorers of the Starfleet, at the service of the Federation. Wasn’t easy at first, talking different languages and all, but now the Enterprise was leaving the orbit with a new friend in that part of the universe. 

After some moment, the Doctor saw the ship going back home at warp speed. A shiver ran along his spine. 

 

Be back on Earth was always nice. Leonard McCoy was just happy at the thought to use his bed again and sleep for a full night without being called for an emergency… hopefully. He looked in the corridor of the ship, surprised to find Spock with three big boxes into his arms, “Mr. Spock. Need a hand?” 

“I appreciate the offer, Doctor, but I am perfectly capable to-“ 

“Shut up and give me that.” Leonard snorted taking one box, finally able to see the Vulcan’s face… not that he was expecting more that his usual, little frown. “You found out anything about these things?” he asked moving to the exit. Most of the crew had already left. 

“Not me, nor Mr. Scott have found something we should worry about, but I have already warned the Starfleet’s laboratories about unknown technologies that require being studied soon as possible.” 

“Good to know.” Leonard saw Jim in the distance, leaving the ship talking with Uhura. “I was almost expecting our Captain to take the boxes himself to the lab.” 

“I presume his interest is already satisfied from our last journey.” 

“And I already need a break, instead.” 

“Doctor?” 

“Huh?” He looked away from his captain. 

Spock stared intently at him, then just said, “A shuttle is waiting for us.” 

“Yeah… sure.” Leonard looked away and together moved to reach the vehicle that would take them back on Earth. 

 

The crew was cheerful during the brief trip in the shuttle, everyone happy to land for some time. 

Spock was sitting next to McCoy, boxes still in their custody. He spotted Captain Kirk some seat away from them, eyes closed, apparently sleeping, but the Vulcan was sure he wasn’t, as he was sure that the Doctor sitting next to him was forcing himself not to look away from the box. He could feel the tension in the human’s body but decided to stay quiet during the entire flight. 

Once back with their feet on the ground, Bones followed the First Officer inside one of the Starfleet’s buildings until they reached the laboratories. Finally placing the boxes, he sighed and frowned looking inside one of them, “What on Earth are these things?” 

“As the Captain said, some of these gifts could be identified as souvenirs.” 

Bones raised his eyebrows, “Well, this is a well waste of our time and resource, then.” 

“Refusing the gifts would have been disrespectful on our part. Gladly accepting them helped us to reach our goal of a peace accord and an important friendship with a new species, Doctor.” Spock said, placing the other boxes on a table while more people of the scientific sector were coming closer to investigate. 

Leonard snorted and peeked inside another one, laughing: he grabbed a heavy gray stone statue as big as his arm, shaped like an angry cat with the tail all straight up, “This would fit in my house.” 

“I did not know you were keen to folkloristic objects, Doctor.” 

“Irony, Mr. Spock. Still working on it, huh?” the other sighed placing the statue next to the box. He then frowned at one little wood box as big as his hand. “What’s this?”

“I would prefer to open that inside the security chamber Doctor, if you don’t mind?” Spock gestured to the little room ahead. 

“W-why? What is it?” Leonard carefully moved away, keeping the box in the palm of his hand now with a worried face.

“I don’t know yet. It wasn’t possible to open on the ship. From the scan we made on board, it seems to be empty inside. Despite that, I think it could be something… interesting.” 

“I know by now, Mr. Spock, that your concept of _interesting_ is not the same as mine.” 

“Of course not, Doctor. We are two very different persons.” 

“And thank God for that…” 

Jim arrived in the room then, watching the scared doctor entering the room with a scientist lady, “Everything alright? What is that box?” 

“According to Spock, something _interesting_.” Leonard said from inside the room. 

“It’s gonna be something funny, then.” 

“Also your concept of funny is absolutely _not_ like mine’s.” Bones murmured.

“Everything is in order, Captain.” Spock said turning to him, “We’ll start to catalog all the objects we received right away.” 

“There’s no rush. I’ve asked to land for some days already- as the Doctor asked weeks ago, so you’re welcome Bones.”

“Long live the Captain.” The Doctor deadpanned from afar.

“And,” Kirk continued, satisfied with that comment, “we got all the authorizations, so relax and enjoy your studying, Spock.” 

“I will.” Spock nodded and then frowned… more than usual, that is. “Captain, maybe is the right moment to ask a clarification about the discussion we had the other night?” 

“What discussion?” Jim asked, noticing Bones send a curious look at them before going back to stare at the box now placed on a stand in the middle of the white, little room.

The Vulcan blinked, “It was two nights ago, before the last successful attempt to bond with the Nay’la habitants-“ 

“Huh...” 

“In the bar. You told me-“ 

“OH, that. Yeah, yeah, that…” Jim grabbed him by the shoulders, dragging him away. “I thought you promise not to talk about that anymore.” 

“I am aware of my promise, Captain, but the situations might require more-” 

“Listen, I was- you just casually find me in a bad moment…” 

“The discussion was serious enough not to be irrelevant as you evaluated.” 

“Spock, please…” Jim sighed, looking in the room again, then back at him, “Is not a big deal and it sure wasn’t my intention to talk about it with you. Just- forget it, alright? It doesn’t matter.” 

“That is a mere personal statement.”

“It is, and I’m still your Captain. We're done?”

The Vulcan keep staring at him but said nothing else. 

“JIM!” 

He looked back at the sound of panic in Bones’ voice and saw the woman that was with him sprawled on the floor of the little room. Both he and Spock moved to enter, but the glass door shut everyone else out. 

Leonard was already next to the woman, checking her pulse. 

“What happened?” Jim asked, looking at the others scientists in the lab, “Open the door!” 

“We can’t.” Spock said, “The security room is programmed to lock itself if a threat is detected,” and he moved to the screen next to the door. 

“She’s alive,” Leonard said, “and I have no idea what happened, but I don’t see any damn threat in here!” 

“We’re working on it.” Jim looked between him and Spock, then he saw the box inside the room start to shine, “Uh… Bones?” 

The Doctor looked at him, then behind himself and sighed, “ _Interesting_ isn’t it, Mr. Spock?” he growled in exasperation.

“Spock, open the door,” Jim said, his voice now tense. 

“What’s that light?” Leonard said standing up, moving himself and the woman closer to the door, staring at the box. 

“It seems to be charging itself,” Spock said. 

“Charging?” the other two echoed, “It won’t explode, right?” Leonard asked.

The Vulcan looked at him, then at his captain, saying nothing. 

Jim held his gaze, “Spock, open the door.” He repeated, now more serious.

“Is not possible, Captain.” 

“Override the security system, then! They’re right here, we can take them out in a second!” 

Leonard saw the hesitation on Spock’s face and asked, “Radiations in the room?” 

“Yes.” He confirmed, expression unreadable. Just to prove his words, an alarm started ringing into the room. 

Jim looked inside with no idea of what was happening or what to do, the rest of the staff just as confused as he was. He thumped his hand over the door staring at Leonard that, after a deep breath, looked at him in resignation. “Bones-“ a flash of light interrupted him, forcing everyone outside to look away. 

When they could look inside the room again, Jim’s arms fell down along his body: the room was illuminated only by the red light of the alarm now; the walls completely burned, as an explosion just occurred; no sign of the box, nor of the two people that were inside a moment before. The entire lab fell into a shocked silence.

Spock’s lips were partly open: even for someone like him was hard to elaborate what just happened. Turning to his Captain, his mouth closed in a tight line. 

Jim’s eyes were wide open staring in the room, breathing fast, a little frown still on his face when he slowly looked down, then blinked and stared at his First Officer. He could feel his heart banging into his ears, trying to ignore all the rest: sounds and thoughts ready to scream that Leonard McCoy just died in front of his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italy is currently on fire, so I'll update before we all melt in this damn heat.

_“Don’t you think we should talk about it?”_

_“Aren’t we, already?”_

_“I’m serious."_

_“Me too. It happened, we both wanted it and I’m glad we enjoy it. That’s it.”_

_"That’s it?”_

_“I told you not to think too much about it, did I?”_

.-. 

“Jim?”

James Kirk wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Spock’s voice finally reached him. 

Spock’s hand was on his shoulder, his grasp oddly strong. “I have already explained what we saw. We should leave now.” 

Kirk usually could keep his cool, he was used to, but under Spock’s scrutiny it wasn’t that easy, “I have to see.” 

“It might be not the best decision at the moment.” 

“I can’t leave without-“ Jim stopped himself, looking back at the little window in the security’s room door, “I can’t leave.” 

“Captain Kirk?” One man of the security section reached for them, moving to grab his arm, “I need you two to move outside, we have to-“ 

At the slightest touch, Jim was already turning around to punch the man in the face with a fury he rarely showed up in public, but there was Spock again, between the two of them, one hand grabbing his arm to stop him and the other keeping the soldier’s wrist at distance in a lethal grasp. 

“I’ll take care of escort Captain Kirk outside as soon as he will feel to comply.” The Vulcan said in a cold voice, staring at the man like a wolf ready to jump at the throat of his prey. Then he let him go, and the man left with a terrified expression on his face.

Jim took a deep breath before turning to the little room again. Aware that Spock let him go as well, none of them said a word until more people moved to the door that finally was opening: he moved forward, staring at nothing but the entrance, ready to see Bones coming out screaming curses at everyone… but that didn’t happen. 

All the staff saw him and silently moved away to let him through. There were all these people in there before too? So many doctors, security agent… when all those people arrived in the laboratory?

Jim was on the doorstep when he froze on the spot: he saw black all over the burned walls, and stains for red, the smell of smoke mixed with the blood… Bones’ blood. 

A second later he was running away from the laboratory, followed by his First Officer. 

Spock slowed in front of the bathrooms before carefully enter: his captain just finished throwing up into the sink, grabbing the metal hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He watched him in silence, standing a step away. 

Jim passed a hand over his mouth, then staring at how much the fingers were shaking. “We… we need to know what happened in that room.” 

“Captain-“ 

“I need you to stay there, refer to me everything will be discovered in that room. First of all what was that box.” 

“Captain, you should-“ 

“If the Nay’la’s people betrayed us, I want to know.” He insisted, standing right in front of him, voice cold, but fury into his eyes, “If this was an act of terrorism, or they just wanted to prove their power against the Federation, _I want to know_ , so we’ll be ready to fight back.” 

Spock just nodded. 

“I want you in that lab, now. I- I’ll go talk with Pike… and I’ll need the Enterprise ready to depart.” 

Spock tried to say something, but the man was already gone. 

 

Christopher Pike saw Kirk in the corridor some moments later people already informed him about the accident in the laboratory some floor below, “Jim. They told me what happened. Are you-“ 

“I need the permission to go back to Nay’la, sir.” He interrupted. 

Pike quickly spotted that something was off, “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s too soon to start a war. We still don’t know-“ 

“I know enough.” He growled with a low voice. 

The Admiral stared at him for a moment, “Someone of your crew was involved in the explosion?” 

“I need that permission, sir.” 

“Jim...” 

“I just want to know why they tried to kill us, then become out friends to just give us a bomb as a gift of peace.” 

“No one could’ve known that-“ 

“My entire crew could’ve died because of it, sir.”

Pike stared at him in silence, face serious, but he could understand his rage. “Who you lost, Jim?” 

_No one_ , was what Kirk wanted to scream, but a little part of his brain stopped him. The same part that was refusing to accept what happened. _Who he lost_. 

“I’ll talk personally with Admiral Marcus about it, ok? This accident involves all the Starfleet. We’ll decide what to do about Nay’la soon as we’ll know more about what happened in that lab.” 

“If someone will go back on that planet, that will be me,” Jim said, “With the Enterprise or not.” 

Pike watched him walk away, body stiff and hands closed into tight fists. He knew something bad happened, and now he knew just how bad it was. 

 

Spock stayed the rest of the day in the laboratory, listening and talking with doctors, scientist and everyone that was busy studying every centimeter of the little security room. Was the sunset when he allowed himself to leave the lab to take a deep breath in the corridor outside. There, he turned around and found Nyota approaching, eyes red from tears. She moved first and caught him in a tight embrace. 

“I heard what happened just this afternoon,” she murmured against his chest, voice broken from the sadness, “I wasn’t allowed to come here and I couldn’t contact Jim…” she moved away a bit to place both hands over his face, “How is he? How are _you_?” 

Spock stared blankly at her, “I am fine. No one was hurt in the accident aside-“ he stopped, then sighed, “I’m surprised. I’m acting just like the Captain.” 

“What you mean?” 

“Denying.” He said, “He asked me to supervise the investigation on the accident, to know the details, but he did not once mention Doctor McCoy.” 

She sniffed, caressing his face. 

“Sadly, we couldn’t do anything. The explosion was totally unexpected. Mr. Scott and I were sure that there were no active weapons through the objects we bring back from Nay’la. I fear it was a mistake on my part.” 

“What happened it’s not your fault, Spock.” 

“It is, actually. I should have done more tests…” 

“You just said that no one could’ve expected something like this.” 

“I should have. It was my duty. Because of my negligence, we lost Doctor McCoy.” 

Nyota saw a single tear running down his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Oh, Spock…” she hugged him again, “It’s not. It’s not your fault...” she insisted, and this time he hugged her back. After a long moment, she said, “We need to find Jim. We can’t let him stay alone in a moment like this.” 

“He wanted to be left alone,” Spock said, looking at her passing a hand over his face to brush away the tear. 

“He needs us. He needs you, now more than ever.” 

“I don’t think I would be of any help in the actual circumstances.” 

“Spock…” Nyota said patiently, “He just lost his best friend. He needs you.” 

 

They searched for their captain all evening, but it was almost ten in the night and there was no trace of him. In the end, Spock told Nyota to go home, talk with the other members of the crew if possible, warn them about their depart at any moment now. He tried to send a report to them himself but being all day in the laboratory, he managed to send a message only to Mr. Scott, warning him to be ready to send the Enterprise back in space. 

Spock kept searching from his Captain for another hour until he just stopped and sat on the couch in the hall of the building. He took another deep breath, that was all he could do against the constant, light pain coming from his chest: was hard not to blame himself for what happened to Dr. McCoy, but Nyota was right… still, Spock knew that the mistake was on everyone’s back. They recklessly took the objects on the ship and inside the building. They trusted the Nay’la people too much… 

He shook his head and closed his eyes, just to open them again when he got a message on his pad. Looking down, he read it and then sighed, stood and walked away, alone. 

 

It was some hours before the dawn when Spock finally found him: Jim was still inside the building after all; standing in front of a window in the middle of the corridor, looking outside. “Captain.” 

Jim blinked and looked at him, “What’re you’re doing here?” 

“I had my duty to accomplish, Captain. Also, we searched for you yesterday, but we weren’t able to-” 

“Why? You know something?” he asked, turning better to him. 

“Not about the Nay’la’s box, but I’ve given all the information I gathered about it during our return to Earth. A team I personally selected is studying them at the moment. Sadly, it wasn’t too much, in the little time I have had to study the box.” 

“Then why you’re here?” 

Spock heard the coldness in his voice, and he knew, by now, that that was Jim’s way to hold himself together. “Nyota was- we were worried about you.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“With respect, Captain, I disagree.” He saw his eyes flash anger at him.

“We have other problems to take care of.” 

“We will, but I think you should stop for a second.” 

“Stop? Spock, I’ve been here all day and night. I had enough of doing nothing. I’m waiting for the permission to go back to Nay’la, then I’ll be on a spaceship in a second.” Jim said, looking away again, arms crossed. 

“I didn’t mean to stop physically,” Spock said calmly and saw the Captain’s face hardener for a second, then try to make disappear every possible feeling. “Captain, I insist. You need to stop and-” 

“I can’t.” 

Spock stared at him for a moment. “You don’t want to.” He commented, then wait another second before continue, “How can I help?” 

“Telling me what we know about the box so far.” 

“There are no much information regarding the box.” 

Jim didn’t say anything, nor looked at him. 

“However, I know now more details about what happened inside the room.”

Another moment of silence. 

“I have already prepared a report about it. Me and Lieutenant Uhura will talk with the crew today, about what happened to Doctor McCoy.” Spock said, voice low and flat, but he saw the Captain shut his eyes and look down, so he nodded and turned to leave.

“Tell me.” 

Spock stopped and looked back at him. 

“Tell me what happened in that room,” Jim asked again. 

_Tell me it didn’t happen_

“Captain-“ 

“Just tell me.” 

_Tell me none of this really happened_

Spock moved closer to him: “The security room detected a detonation, preceded by powerful radiations that were the main reason for the lock system to activate. The place where the box was, appears to be the center of the explosion that was successfully contained into the room. Nothing was found inside.” He made a pause, but the Captain was still looking outside, face unreadable, so he continued with the hardest part, “Doctor McCoy and Doctor Kenner were locked inside the room before the explosion. We found blood traces of both of them, but no remains of their bodies.” And there, his Captain grabbed him by his shirt and smashed him against the wall. 

Jim didn’t say anything, anger into his eyes, but there was also pure sadness, and guilt. 

“With all the information I have collected so far, I am sorry to declare McCoy’s-“ Spock stopped when another push against the wall made him stop. He didn’t react. 

“At least call him by his name,” Jim ordered, voice low and angry. 

“Nothing suggests that Leonard survived the explosion.” The Vulcan said slowly, almost like the words were new even to himself, “I am sorry.”

And suddenly Jim hated him. Jim never hated Spock as much as in that moment, and the only reason he didn’t hit him with something was that he suddenly notice the sadness into the tired Vulcan’s eyes as well… how hard he was trying to keep his composure in front of his Captain.

“I forced you to stay in that lab since the beginning…” Jim said, now feeling even worse, but with himself, _and I asked you to explain something like that as if it was a casual report_ …

“It is my duty to-“ 

“I’m sorry, Spock…” Jim slowly moved his hands to his shoulder, their grasp hard enough to hurt, but Spock didn’t flinched. He felt his heart close to breaking, ready to cry like he had never done before… and he couldn’t, so he called out the rage again. 

He smashed the Vulcan against the wall again before left without another word.


	3. Chapter 3

This is crazy, _was all he could think. The only actual thought that was running in loop inside his brain were those three words._

_He kept his eyes closed against that hot, smooth skin and took a deep breath before moving, and the low gasp he heard sent a shiver straight to his groin,_ This is fucking crazy… and God help me, I don’t want to stop.

_After a moment standing still, eyes closed, he moved down to kiss the hot skin, over the heart he could feel beating as fast as he’s. He finally opened his eyes when a hand moved through his hair, sending another shiver all over his body._

_“It’s ok.”_

_He sighed, his forehead placed over the chest quickly rising and falling. He then moved slowly back, then forward again and the reward was a groan he never thought he would ever hear in his whole life. Already addicted to the sounds, he started to move a bit faster, back and forth, always kissing, always caring about that beautiful body and heart._

_Maybe that was the problem, caring so much… maybe it was something to talk about later. He sure wanted to- they sure_ needed to, _but now…_

_“Hey... slow down a bit?”_

_He took a deep breath, realizing how deep and fast he was moving, completely lost in thoughts and sensations. He slowed down, stopped for a moment before moving forward again, and again that obscene groan, now with fingers grabbing hard on his shoulders, the body beneath him arching up against him._ What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? 

_“I can- hear you thinking from- from here…”_

_He kept moving, eyes half open to watch the body he desired for so long; grabbing those legs to keep them open, gently, always so gently, ignoring the scratches he probably would have seen in the morning over his own back and neck._

_“You think- too much.”_

_“I think for both of us.” He managed to say looking down and he earned a grin for that. That damn grin…_

_Another gasp and moans let him know that he was moving fast again, maybe too fast, but there were no objections this time, so he kept going until he was in so deep, feeling so hot, so amazing…_

_“Always knew you- were the rough type…”_

_“And yet, here you are.”_

_A little laugh between the gasps, “Never said I don’t like it- huh, fuck…”_

_“Good to know.” He kept moving, hard and deep until there was a groan from both of them and he finally could slow down until stopping completely. Breathless, hot and trying not to fall over the body underneath him, he moved his hands from the legs to the bed, brushing against soft hips before actually grab them like he didn’t wanted this to end. Suddenly the reality hit him, and he tightened the grasp._

I don’t want to lose this…

_“W-what’s wrong?” the lazy, panting voice asked._

I don’t want to lose him.

_“Bones?”_

.-.-.

“IT’S A BOMB!” Bones suddenly bolted up in panic and fear, “I’m dead! Am I dead? Am I- I-“ he patted himself with both hands, panting like he just ran for kilometers. Frantically looking around, he couldn’t recognize the floor he was sitting on, nor the empty room he was in, in a dim light. “What-? What the hell? I was…” he slowly forced himself to calm down: he took some deep breath, trying to identify the place… even if there was nothing to look at, aside from a window that apparently offered only a dense mist to watch, out there.

Bones carefully stood up, checking himself one more time, the medical suit still in one piece, before moving to the window, but it was impossible to see anything aside gray. He turned around, scared and confused, “I’m dead…?” 

“You are.” 

He turned to the window again, at the sound of a feminine voice, and jumped back: there was a gray cat sitting on its hind paws, over the windowsill. “Where did you come from?” he murmured, frowning.

“I was always here.” The cat said, mouth not moving, just dangling the tail. 

Bones blinked and took another step back, “Oh… well, cats can speak now. ‘Guess I am really dead.” 

“Like I said, you are.” 

He looked back at the little animal, “This is the afterlife, then? Because my idea of paradise was a little better.” He asked gesturing around. 

“You are dead, but this is not the _paradise_ you’re talking about. This is your doing.” 

“My doing? How this can be-“ he stopped, taking a deep breath trying, in vain, to collect his thoughts, “I don’t think I follow…” 

“You know what happened to you, right?” the cat said, “I have given you back those memories.” 

He tried to think, more confused than ever. “I was locked in a room with that box- with a bomb…” he swallowed, slowly coming to the only possible conclusion, “I died in the explosion.” 

“You did, but I saved some part of you. Your soul, in the specific.” 

Bones looked worried now, “M-my soul?”

“Yes. It is a very important thing for humans like you, if I remember correctly.” 

He swallowed again, harder. “Who are you?” 

“Well… I don’t have a name anymore. It has been a long time since someone gave me a name, the worlds forgot about me… How you want to call me?” 

“I- I don’t know… Jo?” Bones blinked in surprise, “Jo was- Joanna- my daughter.” And he noticed the shadow of a house appearing in the dense mist. “I forgot about her…?” 

“Like I said, you were dead for a moment,” the cat explained, “but I’m keeping you from disappearing completely. You can still recover what I couldn’t save, see? Your memories.” 

Bones suddenly found hard to breathe. He slowly sat down again, trying not to panic. “So I- I’ll disappear?” 

“If you’ll keep taking yourself back, you won’t.” 

“But- but _I am_ dead! If I am dead, then where am I? _Where_ did you taken me?” 

The cat jumped down to sit in front of him, “We’re nowhere and everywhere. This is your essence at the moment. It could be in any place.” 

Bones blinked in confusion, “So I’ve turned into an empty room?” 

“For now. You saw that house out there, right? That is you getting back your own self.” 

“I am myself! How I cannot be myself? I know who I am!” 

“Who are you, then?” 

Bones stared back at the yellow eyes gazing intently at him. “I’m- I’m Bones… but that’s not my name…” he put his head through his hands, “I can’t remember who I am anymore?” 

“You can remember everything.” Jo the cat said, voice calm and soft, “Who give you that name?” he saw him staring back at her in silence, “You saw him. I saw him too.” 

“Jim…” Bones smiled a bit, the memory of the blonde man suddenly crossing his mind, “Jim- James Kirk… Captain of the Enterprise. The space ship… the Starfleet-“ he stopped and then took a deep, relieved breath, “I’m a doctor. Leonard McCoy.” That said, more sounds came from outside. He stood up and watched: a city was there now, but it looked still blurred, still impossible to identify.

“Your will is strong, Doctor McCoy,” Jo said sounding pleased. 

“Not enough to survive a bomb.” He murmured, “That little box from the Nay’la planet was a bomb… I was in the room with-“ he looked back into the room, now decorated with a lamp and a couch, “There was a woman with me. Where is she?” 

“I couldn’t save her, I am sorry.”

“Why? She was in that room with me-” 

“She wasn’t protected by my powers like you were.” 

“Protected? How I was protected?” 

“Touching my mortal remains.” Jo jumped on the couch, “The Nay’la’s people didn’t have any idea of what I was when they found me, but you wanted to take me with you at first sight. I appreciate it.”

Leonard moved closer to her, trying to collect more memories, “The statue? That cat statue I took from the box was- that was you?” he cringed a bit. 

“Some parts of that statue are.” Jo nodded again, “I granted you my protection and apparently was your lucky day.” 

Leonard tried not to think about being _really_ dead, gone forever if he hadn’t grabbed that statue, out of curiosity. “So what- what are you, some kind of God? Goddess?” 

“Kind of, yes.” The voice confirmed in delight.

“Uh, well, ok… Wait, but if I’m dead, why I’m here? Why you’re keeping me here?” 

“Because I wanted to save you. You were kind to me.” Jo said again, this time with a more serious tone, “but I don’t have much power anymore… I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it.” And looked down. 

Leonard sighed, sitting down next to her, “Are you sure this isn’t Hell?” 

“No, Doctor, it’s not.” 

He stared at the window, then shook his head, looking down, “You should’ve let me die.” 

Jo stared at him, ears flinching, “But you didn’t want to.” 

“No one would, but- what am I supposed to do now? I’m not alive and I’m not dead… what am I now?” 

“You still have your feelings and memories. You’re still yourself.” 

“And for what? What’s the point of making me remember my life? Just to make me feel worst, watching an inexistent world outside a window in this- magical nowhere?” He sighed and saw the cat staring in silence. “Look, I am sorry, but this- this is just too much.” 

“You still want to go back to your world? The real world?” 

“Of course I do, but as you said, _I am dead_.” He shook his head, and then notice that the cat was gone. “Hey- damn it.” And all he could do was to let his head fall into his hands again. 

 

It was impossible to know how much time had passed, based on the light outside the window. The mist was still covering all the scene, the city was still a ghost, unknown town; a purple dim light spreading all over the room. 

Leonard was in front of the window, staring sadly outside, asking himself what was going to happen to him. 

A cat said that he was dead, but not completely… That he could be saved, but not really.

“I’m going insane.” He sighed at those thoughts, looking back in the room, blinking in surprise: there was a chimney close to the couch, now; some pictures on the walls, a desk full of papers and a shelf… “That’s my desk.” He murmured moving for a closer inspection. 

He couldn’t read what was written on the pages, most of the note were blurry like the city outside, but he could read the title of some books, medicines volumes, realizing that was a part of his office on the Enterprise. “Looks like I miss that deadly space-trap, after all.” He sighed. 

_What’s wrong? Bones?_

Leonard shivered and looked back: there was a bed, his own bed, another part of his room on the spaceship. Watching it hurt him more than he would have imagined… yet, that was the most vivid memory he could think of, the first memory he actually remembered in that strange, crazy, almost dead-dimension. 

“That memory had brought you back,” Jo confirmed, appearing on the window shelf again. 

He looked at the cat, “It did?” 

She nodded, “It was a strong memory. An important one.” 

“It was… At least for one of us.” Leonard murmured, looking at the bed one last time before walking in front of the cat, “I thought you were gone.” 

“I’m always watching over you, Doctor McCoy,” the cat said, “I don’t want you to disappear yet, and you don’t want that either or you wouldn’t keep hanging on your life so much.” 

“That doesn't change the fact that I’m dead.” He commented, “I actually don’t exist anymore, not physically at least, so I still don’t know what I am doing here. You just needed some company?” he, once again, regretted using his sarcastic, nervous tone, but couldn’t stop before it was too late. 

Fortunately, Jo the cat- the Goddess, looked pleased by his not very adorable being, “Maybe. It has been decades since someone actually called for me… yet, no, my true intent wasn’t to keep you here as my little pet. I admit it would be nice, nonetheless.” 

Leonard was smart enough not to comment on that. 

Jo blinked, probably aware of the pang of fear she managed to instill in the human, “I mean no harm, Doctor McCoy. My desire is to help you, but my powers are limited… I’m not sure if will be possible for me to bring you back.” 

“Then-“ 

“But I can try.” 

He swallowed, “Really?” 

“Like I said, you cherish your memories, your will to not disappear is strong… maybe strong enough to let you go out of this room.” 

Leonard frowned, “But there’s nothing out there, there’s- that city doesn’t even look like a real place.” 

“It could be.” Jo said, “If you really want it to.” 

He studied the city for a moment, then asked with a serious voice, “Jo, let’s be clear here. Which options I have?” 

Her pointy ears flinched again, “You can stay here, I can let you live in these memories, or you can try to get closer to your world… of course there’s also a third option.” 

“Which is?” 

“Well… you can die.” She simply said, “I would be happy to help you survive a bit more, but I’m not forcing you to stay here. I understand humans are not used to this kind of things. Like you said, this situation it is too much, it would be unbearable for the most of you… so you can still choose to end your life, I won’t judge.” 

Leonard shivered but tried to hide it with a deep breath. “What you mean with ‘get closer to my world’?” 

“Your body doesn’t exist anymore, Doctor, so I can’t bring you back to life, but you can move closer to it.” 

“Look, last thing I want is to become a zombie-”

“You can’t reach your world physically,” Jo said, shaking her gray head, “not being a zombie nor a living creature of any other form. You can just get closer to your reality.” 

He sighed, scratching his neck, “You know, I know someone that would be eager to have this kind of conversation with you…” _Spock_ , Leonard thought and huffed a laugh. “He’s surely impossible to forget.” He sighed before looking back at Jo, “Ok, let’s say I want to try get closer to home, then what? What will happen to me?” 

“I am not sure.” 

“Nice…” 

“I’ve never tried something like this before,” Jo explained, “but I’ll be with you. I won’t leave you alone.” 

Leonard suddenly thought that maybe she was more aware of him about how much scared he was himself; confused, on the verge of panic- he was one step from disappearing, for God’s sake… 

“I understand your fear, Doctor McCoy,” Jo said, placing both paws against his chest like she wanted to place them on his shoulders, “but I personally would be happy to see you trying to survive.” 

He took a deep breath, looking back at his desk, then at the bed… he really wasn’t ready to let go any of that yet. “What I have to lose, after all? I’m already dead.” He sighed. 

Jo scratched gently her nails over his blue shirt, tail swirling in excitement, “I’ll help you as much as I can, I promise.” 

Leonard nodded again, “Ok. So what I have to do?” 

“Leave this room, of course.” She said, jumping down from the window, moving to a door he never noticed before. 

“What I’ll find out there?” he asked, moving slowly. 

“The closer to your world I can take you,” Jo said, “the rest is up to you.” 

“To me?” 

“To your will to reach it.” 

“And if that’s not enough?” he saw the cat staring in silence, tail immobile on the ground, “Another thing I don’t want to know. Got it.” He answered himself, taking a deep breath. He then looked down at her again, “You’ll be there with me, right?” 

“Always.” Jo said. 

Leonard nodded, grabbed the door handle and turned it, leaving the little room. 

 

Was hard to explain how it felt outside, but Leonard didn’t dare to open his eyes until he felt something slide against his legs, making him gasp and look down. “Damn it, cat-“ 

“We’re here,” Jo said, her voice still calm and even, moving away between his legs. 

He looked up and almost start to cry: that was San Francisco, the real world, his world- with people and traffic moving around; the sky, the buildings... all the living world. “Well, that was easy…”

“Don’t let this fool you, Doctor.” 

Leonard blinked and looked at the cat, “What? Why? This is my world. I’m alive again?” His smile slowly became unsure at the silent glare from the cat. He looked better and noticed that everything was still veiled of that purple, dim light… People were walking next to him but without actually being aware of his presence. He moved closer to a lady sitting on a bench and cleared his throat, “Excuse me, ma’am?” he also waved a hand over her face, but she didn’t even blink. 

He stared at her in confusion, then slowly turned to Jo, “This isn’t- what is this place?” 

“The closer I could get you to your world, Doctor.” She said, voice sad now, “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.” 

“But- this world is real?” 

“It is. But you’re not part of it anymore.” 

“You mean- you mean that I’m stuck in some sort of parallel dimension?”

“That could be a way to describe it.” Jo nodded.

Leonard blinked, looking at the lady again and then at the city, feeling a heavy wave of sadness falling over his shoulders, “Goddammit.”


	4. Chapter 4

_James Kirk was used making mistakes. He have made lots of them, some stupid and easy to forget, others bad and hard to erase, and he just knew that the mistake he was going to do now would’ve hunt him forever._

_It was wrong- or maybe it was just crazy enough to look like a challenge, but he knew that he couldn’t just live with it like nothing happened… and yet, that was what he was going to do- or pretend to do, later._

_The last attempt to interact with the Nay’la people ended as bad as the first one, with him and some other crew member hurt in another stupid, useless battle, forcing them to run back on the Enterprise. He was tired, he was close to give up and call the HQ to ask at least someone able to translate that mysterious language that not even Spock was apparently able to understand yet._

_After the fight, a deep cut on his back forced him to stay in bed into Medical bay for the rest of the evening, with Bones sending curses at him, at the planet, at the ship, at the entire galaxy, and blabbing about how they were risking people’s lives getting absolutely no results. Nothing new about Bone’s lovely temper, but it was… debilitating._

_He just ignored the Doctor’s rant and, in the night, finally left the med bay to go back to his room… just he didn’t and stopped to the bar instead. It was empty, luckily for him: he wasn’t in the mood to talk, he wasn’t in the mood to be friendly. He just wanted to get drunk because being a Captain was finally showing him why Pike was always so stiff on the job._

_Jim still needed time to get used to it. Or that’s what he kept saying to himself. Sure was that he knew his responsibilities with the crew. It was his duty to take the right decisions and bring all of them back home alive, and the last thing he needed was Bones to remind him about that._

_Then, of course, thinking about being a terrible Captain lead him to the memories of his father and how he probably was going to disappoint him and everyone else… from there, Jim got drunk enough to blur the thoughts at least a bit. He just needed to think about something else, find a way to turn everything off, even just for a moment._

This is crazy, _was all he could think when he knocked at Bones’ door and the Doctor opened after a moment, hair messy, half asleep, but still fully dressed._

_“Who’s dying?” was the harsh question from the man in the doorway, and the answer he got was Jim moving forward to kiss him eagerly, grasping his hair with a hand and closing the door with the other._

_Jim wished he was drunk enough not to realize what was going on, but he was well aware of what he was doing, about what he was forcing Bones’ into, but he didn’t care. Then they fell on the bed, still kissing, and just then he slowly moved back, staring at the confused and surprised expression on the doctor’s face, there beneath him._

_“This isn’t funny. Are you drunk?” Bones snorted, trying to move him away._

_“Not enough.” Jim answered and pinned him down grabbing his arms, “That’s a problem for you?”_

_“Jim...“_

_“Because it’s not for me.” That said, he moved down, pulling up his blue shirt, kissing his chest that was rising and falling under his touch… Jim wondered what could’ve happened moving even lower so he tried- and two hands grabbed him this time, roughly enough to surprise him for a moment._

_“Stop it.” Bones sat up, not let him go, and his glare was hard now. “Tell me what happened.”_

_“Nothing. I was there… and you’re here, so…”_

_“Jim, what the hell-“_

_“Just answer the question, alright?” he interrupted, staring into his eyes asking once again, “Is this a problem for you or not?”_

_Bones was looking back at him, a light frown on his face, but then he swallowed his worries and moved forward to kiss him, a slow, passionate kiss._

_Jim knew he’d won. He knew Bones too well to know that he was going to win anyway from the beginning._

_Still, he was surprised to suddenly find himself on his back into the middle of the bed, with Bones hovering over him, removing his shirt for him, caressing his whole body while undressing him completely and well, that was something his semi-blurred mind wasn’t expecting but he kept staring at the man almost in awe._

_This side of Bones was new, this wasn’t the fake hostility of the Doctor, nor the constant worried care of his best friend… this was Bones like he never saw him: the deep, rough part of him ready to get and protect what he wanted… and he wanted Jim._

He wants me? _The thought flew through Jim’s mind for a second, but then there was the reality of the situation: he was drunk, he wanted to get laid and Bones casually ended up stuck in the middle._

Casually, _his mind teased. Yeah, he just casually found himself in front of Bones’ room… it wasn’t planned, he hasn't planned any of this…_

_Jim jumped when a hand moved over his groin._

_“You good?” Bones asked calmly after a moment, so in contrast with the roughness of his hands, and just then Jim realized that it was Bones’ hand stroking him. It was just Bones, but…_

_Jim nodded and after some slow, deep, incredibly strokes, he was done with a groan that he didn’t managed to contain completely. Eyes closed, breathing fast, he looked up and couldn’t stop from blushing a bit under Bones’ glare: his eyes were so dark in the dim light of the room, eyes studying him intently and so close._

_“You can sleep here. I’ll take the couch.” Bones said, moving to stand._

_Jim quickly grabbed his arm: the thought of him leaving now was strangely unbearable._

_He looked down at him, staring in questioning silence._

I’m sorry, _was what Jim wanted to say. “Your turn?” Was what came out from his mouth._

_“I don’t need-“_

_“I do.” He insisted, keeping his arm in a tight grasp._

_Bones just stared at him for a moment, face unreadable._

_“Don’t think too much about it, ok? Just- just do it.” Jim murmured and almost flinched back at the anger he saw flashing into his friend’s eyes before Bones moved on top of him again as if he was just a helpless prey… and that thought sent another shiver straight to his groin._

_Jim had to admit he never imagined actually having sex with Bones… the thought crossed his mind sometimes, especially during the years in the Academy. There had been plenty moments they could’ve helped each other out about stress release, but it never happened. This time was different._

_Jim could feel how Bones was caring to prepare him, to make him feel comfortable, to make him feel good and desired, and he was damn good at it. Jim gasped when he finally moved inside him, and he was suddenly lost in a storm of terribly good sensations. He lost control of his mind, of his body… his thoughts were stuck on_ Bones _just on word, one name_. There was nothing else until he felt him moving faster, rough and deep, and asked him to slow down a bit.

_He did, of course he did. Hardly, but Bones tried to comply, always so caring, always caressing him, his chest, his legs open for him…_

_Jim said something else, he couldn’t remember what anymore, but he heard Bones answering in a low, deep voice, moving hard and fast again, and this time Jim just take it, “Always knew you- were the rough type…”_

_“And yet, here you are.”_

_Even in a moment like that, Bones knew where to hit. That was the truth, after all… Jim hadn't planned to have sex with him that night, but he knew it the moment he knocked at his door. He could stop before this, he could just say thanks for the_ helpful hand _and leave, or just sleep there and face a series of apologies the morning after, ready to forget what happened and promise to never do it or talk about it ever again because, yeah, that was probably the best solutions for this mess…_

_The problem was that Jim didn’t stop, nor left- he didn’t even try to. He was still there, unable to stop until they both groaned in pleasure and Bones slowly stopped moving completely._

_Still shaken, still half lost in the moment, Jim felt Bones’ hands grabbing hard on his hips and he tried to look better at him, “W-what’s wrong? Bones?” he asked breathless, watching him stared down at him, but he couldn’t make out any words, falling asleep before he could actually worry about what just happened._

.-.-.

His phone kept ringing all morning. Every ring like a punch in the gut.

Jim finished getting dress and stared at the phone for a long moment, drying his hair, leaving them in a blonde chaos. Half of the crew tried to call him already.

Pike didn’t, not yet, and that was the only call he was ready to answer. 

A dark part of his mind was scared as hell to receive a call from Joanna, since he insisted with Bones to have her number because _You never call her and I’m your captain, so it’s my duty to keep her updated _. Those words he said long time ago sounded like a terrible omen now… An even darker part of him was ready to ignore his own promise.__

__What was he going to say to her? That her dad got an accident and- God, it was still impossible even to think about it._ _

___I couldn’t do anything. I was standing there in front of him and I couldn’t do anything to save him_ , was all Jim could repeat to himself that night. He was there, alive, while Bones wasn’t. He wasn’t there… he wasn’t anywhere anymore. _ _

__The glass of water he grabbed slipped away from his hand, crashing on the floor._ _

__Jim stared at his shaking hand and grabbed it with the other, trying to calm himself. He couldn’t stop now, he couldn’t stop because that meant thinking about what really happened in that laboratory and he wasn’t ready to face it yet._ _

__He needed the permission to go back to Nay’la. That was all he wanted and he was ready to rise hell to get it._ _

__

__Later that morning, he was back in the Starfleet headquarter, marching to the upstairs floors. Once outside the elevator, he found Spock in front of the conference room, this time with Nyota, and they both turned to look at him. “News from Pike?”_ _

__“Not yet.” Spock said, “Admiral Pike joined the reunion about the accident in the laboratories this early morning. They didn’t grant me the access.”_ _

__“Why?”_ _

__“I presume because of my personal involvement with the event, Captain.”_ _

__Jim cursed at himself: he still couldn’t keep in mind that Spock was with him in that lab, he saw everything- he saw even better what happened in that room because his asshole Capitan ordered him to stay there, in the same room where their friend was- where Bones was-_ _

__“Jim.” Nyota moved next to him, eyes visibly red of tears, but she sure was better than him at keeping her cool, “You don’t have to stay here. We’ll keep you updated.”_ _

__“I should be in there.” He murmured against the door, “I should be in there and-“_ _

__“Pike was clear about not let you or Spock join the meeting.” Nyota said, “I’m sorry… but he knew that you would come back here today.”_ _

__Jim stared at the closed door for a moment, then at his First Officer._ _

__“There are no new information about the box,” Spock said before he could ask, “There are no remains of it, and from the few, first details I got on the Enterprise, nothing suggested that the box could be dangerous. I take full responsibility for the accident, as I have written on my report. I am deeply sorry, Captain.”_ _

__Jim stared at him for a moment, “You already sent the report?”_ _

__“I was going to. I-“_ _

__“Delete it and shut the hell up, Spock.” Jim murmured sitting down on the closest couch, passing both hands over his face._ _

__Nyota took a deep breath, trying to smile a little at the frowning Vulcan before sit down next to her Captain. “We warned the rest of the crew, but I told them not to come here. They’ll wait to meet us when you- when we’ll be ready.”_ _

__Jim almost asked her how they handled it, but the memory of Bones patching up half of the crew flashed into his mind, and that was enough to know already how the crew of the Enterprise was probably reacting at the accident._ _

__The door opened and Pike appeared, tired and with a worried look on his face. He noticed the three of them standing up and sighed, “You’re not going to leave anytime soon, isn’t it?” and saw them shook their heads._ _

__“What about Nay’la?” Jim asked stopping in front of the man._ _

__“Jim, Spock told me about Doctor McCoy-“_ _

__“We have permission to depart?” he interrupted._ _

__Pike looked seriously at him, “I know what you’re trying to do and, Jim, don’t do it. It’s not going to be easier if you don’t-“_ _

__“Sir,” He said, angry hardly under control, “with all due respect, I don’t need to hear anything about how I should handle this. I already am, and to keep doing so I need that permission.” He felt a hand brushing his arm and he turned his furious glare at the gentle, innocent Nyota that just stared at him in silence. Jim looked down, took a deep breath and said, “Please, sir. That’s all I ask.”_ _

__Pike locked eyes with Spock for a second, then back at the young captain, “We want to talk with them before declaring that Nay’la is an enemy of the Starfleet. We already have a ship close to their planet, they will help us make contact with them. We’ll see what they have to say about the attack, then we’ll see what to do next.”_ _

__“It wouldn’t be more valuable talk to them in person about an accident of this gravity?” Spock asked._ _

__“They were careful with us from the beginning, as you write in one of your reports. We don’t want to make them think we’re going to aim a bomb at them the day after they accepted considering to join the Federation…”_ _

__“At least not until we’ll know if they attacked us on purpose,” Jim said coldly._ _

__Pike sighed, “Listen, I can let you join the meeting during the call, only you Jim, but you have to promise me not to talk. You are too involved in the accident to have a word on the matter right now. Is that clear?”_ _

__“I was there, I-“_ _

__“Not a word, Jim.” Pike insisted, “ _Is that clear_?” _ _

__He took a deep breath, “Yes, sir.”_ _

__“Good.” That said, Pike moved back inside the room._ _

__Jim stared at him for a moment, then back at the two members of his crew._ _

__“We’ll wait here,” Nyota said, while Spock stayed still with a tense frown on his forehead._ _

__Jim turned around and entered the conference room: there was only the light coming from the big windows-wall on the left illuminating the large area and the table where at least twenty men, mostly Admirals, were sitting. All of them stopped talking for a second when he entered, but then they just made a salute before going back to business; no one said anything about the victims of the accident and no one asked him about it._ _

__Pike touched his arm to make him stop against to the wall and they both stayed there. “We’re waiting for the signal to work.” He explained in a low voice._ _

__Jim stared in silence at the device on the table, where the communication should’ve to appear… and that happened a few moments later, all the room falling in a cold, serious silence._ _

__Suddenly, the hologram of half of a woman with dark-blue skin and long red hair appeared over the table, eyes betraying tension, but she was trying to keep her composure._ _

__Jim tightened his fists, “She was the first that talked to us when the fights stopped.” He murmured._ _

__Pike turned to him but said nothing._ _

__“I’m Admiral Marcus of the Starfleet. Who am I talking to?” he asked, standing up._ _

__She stayed in silence for a moment, then nodded once and talked in her strange language, translated almost at the same time, “I am Ilo’ra, First Ambassador of Nay’la. It’s an honor to get a call from a Starfleet’s Admiral, but it is also a surprise.”_ _

___Your people seems to like surprises_ , Jim thought bitterly. _ _

__“Sorry for the sudden request. I wish I could say this is a call between two new friends, but something happened here after our men came back from Nay’la. An accident that we would like you to help us clarify.”_ _

__Ilo’ra was focused on the translation on her side, so they all saw her confusion appearing when the words made sense for her a moment later, “An accident? Involving my people?”_ _

__“Caused by your people, I fear.” Marcus’s gaze was stone cold, voice flat, not accusing, almost sorry._ _

__“I don’t think I understand…”_ _

__“We found out one of the _presents_ your people so gently donated us, was a bomb.” The Admiral continued. _ _

__Ilo’ra again, blinked in surprise and consternation three seconds later, “A bomb? That’s impossible! Why we should do such a thing?”_ _

__“I have no idea, Ambassador. That’s the reason of my call. The Starfleet- the Federation, don’t start its war based on single actions of violence, but I feel the need to be clear about this: we learn quickly from our mistakes.”_ _

__Ilo’ra stayed silent for a moment, then shook her head, face serious, “We were impressed by the tenacity of your men, Admiral, and we apologized for our first aggressive reaction against them. Those gifts were a symbol of gratitude. We parted as friends.”_ _

__“Then who put a bomb in one of the boxes you personally gave to me?” Jim was next to the table in a second, voice angry, not able to contain himself anymore._ _

__Pike moved to stop him but saw Marcus shook his head, so he just stopped next to him._ _

__Ilo’ra turned to look at him, surprised for a moment, “Captain Kirk, I can swear on our Gods, we don’t-“_ _

__“I don’t care about your Gods, I just want an answer.” Jim interrupted, “That bomb could’ve exploded on my ship- it could’ve destroyed it, or detonate in the middle of the city!” He was freeing all his rage and tension and he just couldn’t stop. Not just because of what happened in the lab, but because he knew that everything that happened was because of a mistake on his part. More people could’ve been killed by now, not just two… not just the one he cared most._ _

__Ilo’ra stared sadly at him for a moment, not simply waiting for the translation this time. She could imagine by herself what he was saying. “Captain, I can’t do more than apologize and assure you and your people that Nay’la never meant any harm-“_ _

__“Well, too damn late for that.”_ _

__Pike sighed, looking at him with a tense expression._ _

__“We lost only two of ours just because my First Officer was smart enough to put that box in a security room right after we came back home. I’ve lost a friend and I couldn’t do anything but watch him die in front of me.”_ _

__Ilo’ra kept his lips in a tight line, guilt and sorry clear on her face, but she said nothing._ _

__“We fought the first times we landed on your planet, I remember that pretty well,” Jim continued, “What I don’t know, is if I should’ve expected something like this from you. If everything we talked about, friendship and peace, were just an act while you were planning to destroy us.”_ _

__“We were not pretending to be your friend.” Ilo’ra said, more seriously and cold that she could. After a brief moment, she continued, “I’ll discuss this terrible accident with the Council of Nay’la immediately. If someone here had the bravery to do such a thing, whoever it is, will pay for his actions.” She said staring at the Admiral._ _

__Marcus nodded once, solemnly, “I hope we’ll fix this bad situation. Sooner the better. We’ll call again, Ambassador.”_ _

__Ilo’ra nodded and looked at Jim again, “I am sincerely sorry for you loss, Captain Kirk.” She said with a light bow before the call ended._ _

__

__Nyota and Spock stood up from the couch the second the door opened again and they saw Pike say something to Jim before nod at the two of them and disappear inside the room again._ _

__“Captain- Jim, what happened?” Nyota asked, looking worried at his terrible state._ _

__“Nay’la seems to know nothing about the bomb.” He said looking at her, but not really, “They- Ilo’ra said she’s sorry for my loss.” He huffed a laugh._ _

__“Jim-“_ _

__“I just- I just realized what happened, that’s it. I’m fine.” He smiled a bit, “I better go. Let me know if-“ he flinched when she grabbed his arm._ _

__“Jim. You are not fine.” Spock said quietly: his captain was crying without even realizing._ _

__“I am, I-“ Jim quickly brushed away the tears, “It’s just tension. These days were terrible and I can’t even go for a drink with- with Bones anymore,” it hurt to say that name, it hurt so damn much and he wasn’t expecting it. Watching Nyota crying with him was just what he needed to slowly break down, “Because I know he’s dead. I mean- I tried not to think about it, but… even Ilo’ra was sorry for him, so maybe I should be too.”_ _

__“Jim...” Nyota murmured in tears._ _

__“It’s the truth.” He said, taking a breath, forcing himself to, “I treated him so bad in the last days... like he was nothing. I told him that he was nothing to me…” Jim looked down, both hands over his eyes and Nyota hiding his body with her’s._ _

__Spock looked silently at them before she dragged him too into the hug and the three of them just stayed there, crying and sharing all the sadness they were feeling._ _

__

__Leonard kept staring sadly at his three friends crying for him some steps away, in a dimension he wasn’t able to reach. Staring at Jim and what his death was doing to him- to them, was killing him. Again._ _

__“I’m sorry you have to see this.” Jo said in a low voice, tail on the floor, “But… why your friend told you that you were nothing to him?”_ _

__“Because he’s an idiot like that,” Leonard said, looking away, shaking his head to hide his own tears._ _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel my English getting EXP points every time I have to make Spock talk... anyway, next chapter will be an actual step forward into the plot. Bear the painful memories.  
> Also, little chapters are quicker and less stressful to edit, so I'll keep them around 3k words... unless inspiration won't hit me like a train.  
>  _Enjoy._

_When Jim woke up, he knew that that wasn’t his room, nor his bed._

_He slowly sat up, just his boxers on, trying to put memories in order… all become crystal clear the moment he saw Bones sitting on the couch with his pad in hand, already dressed and ready for his swift in Medical bay._

_“Good morning.” Leonard said without looking up._

_“’Morning…” Jim murmured looking around before staring intently at him and then at himself. “So… it wasn’t just my imagination…” He said and saw the Doctor send a murderous glare at him. He swallowed hard, “Just to be sure.”_

_“I remember you saying you weren’t that drunk?”_

_“I wasn’t. I- I remember.”_ Oh God, what have I done?

_“So?”_

_Jim looked at him like a kid would watch at his teacher after a tricky question._

_“How you’re feeling?” Leonard asked._

_“Oh. I’m fine… just fine.” He coughed, “What about you?”_

_Leonard stared down at his pad, taking a deep breath._

_“That doesn’t sound good…” Jim smiled a bit._

_“Jim, why you came here tonight?”_

_“Well… I don’t know.” He answered, and Bones’ gaze was hard almost as Spock’s, “I mean- I was in a bad mood last night, so I got drunk- tried to. I wanted to talk and I thought about you, but then…” Jim saw him keep staring, waiting for him to continue. “Then I changed my mind, I guess.”_

_“Obviously.”_

_“Hey, you looked like you were enjoying the moment too.” He saw him not smiling back, and he knew that was the wrong thing to say right after the words left his mouth. “Sorry. Sorry, I- I don’t know... I think I just needed to stop thinking for a while.” Jim saw him stay quiet and a fear crept into his mind: “I kind of forced you into this, did I?”_

_Leonard snorted a sarcastic laugh, “Force me? Don’t be so full of yourself, kid.”_

_Jim sighed, a bit relieved, “Still… I’m sorry about it.” He stood up, searching for his trousers that were on the floor. Once wearing them, he looked back at him, “So… we’re good?”_

_Leonard blinked, swallowed and then asked slowly, “Don’t you think we should talk about it?”_

_“Aren’t we, already?”_

_“I’m serious.”_

_“Me too. It happened, we both wanted it and I’m glad we enjoy it. That’s it.”_

_“That’s it?” Leonard repeated._

_“I told you not to think too much about it, did I?”_

_The doctor keep staring at him, “So we’ll just pretend that nothing happened?”_

_“Yes, because_ nothing happened.” _Jim nodded as if it was the easiest thing to understand, “We enjoyed ourselves, and that’s fine. Maybe we both needed that for one night.”_

 _Leonard blinked, frowning a bit, lowering the pad, hiss voice was cold, “Jim, you think I usually sleep with lots of captains of the Starfleet? Or that this is something I’m open to do once in a while, just out of boredom- or when I’m drunk?”_

_Jim was actually taken aback for a moment, “No- of course not. I’ve never said-”_

_“So it’s something you usually do?”_

_“What? No! Bones, what the hell-”_

_“Then what exactly was tonight?”_

_“I told you, it was just that: a night. It doesn’t mean anything.” Jim said, but it felt more like saying_ You don’t mean anything more than one night of sex, _and he tried hard not to feel like a monster… Because he knew- he was sure that what happened between them actually meant nothing. Better for him to say that before hearing the same words coming from Bones. That would probably hurt him more than he would like to admit._

Let’s just forget about it. We don’t need this- we never wanted this… right? _Jim thought, but the hurt he saw on his friend’s face didn’t helped: it lasted a moment but he saw it before Bones could hide it again._

 _Leonard took a quick breath and nodded, “Alright. Thanks for the explanation.” He grabbed his pad, walking to the door, “You better wait before leaving. It’s late. Gossips run fast.”_

_Jim made a step forward but the man was already gone. Dropping his shoulders, he couldn’t stop from feeling like he just used his best friend to feel better and then mercilessly stabbed him in the back. Hard to say who, between them, was hurt more._

.-.-.-.

“I see.”

Leonard looked away from the floor and stared at Jo.

The cat blinked, sitting next to him on the bench, “I saw what happened between you and your friend.” 

“You wha- how?” 

“You and I are connected, Doctor McCoy. I can see the memories you’re getting back, and how they make you feel.” 

Leonard blushed a bit, looking away again, “Great.” 

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jo said, “I’m glad I can understand you better… and I’m sorry you felt so bad after what happened with your friend.” 

He took a deep breath, looking up again: Jim was sitting on another bench some meters away, in the square in front of the Starfleet HQ; he was alone now, Nyota was getting something to drink and Spock was still inside the building, ready to inform them about any news regarding Nay’la. 

“He didn’t care one bit that time. Now that I’m dead, he wants to start a war because of me.” Leonard hissed, gesturing against his Captain before crossing his arms, “Because he made a mistake, that is. That’s burning too much on his gigantic pride.” 

Jo stared at him, then looked at the blonde man sitting there, looking sad and distraught. “You think that is the only reason?” 

“He basically threw me into my own death.” Leonard snarled and saw Jim drop his face into his hands again, maybe crying, maybe just to hide somewhere. _Damn it, Jim…_

“Yet, you’re worried about him.” Jo said, “He hurt you, but is not all about what happened in that laboratory.” 

“Cats are psychologists now?” 

“I’m just interpreting the feelings I get from you.” She said, brushing her head against his side for a moment, “I forgot how strong feelings can be…” 

“That’s a blessing, trust me.” He sighed. 

“No, Doctor, it’s not a blessing. You need them. That’s what makes you human… and what made me want to help you.” 

He took a deep breath, nodding just slightly. “Honestly, I’d rather be a cat right now.” 

Jo swirled her tail in enjoyment, staring up at him, “You would miss your friend even more, that way.” 

“I’m dead and stuck in a dimension he doesn't even know exist. I already miss him.” 

Jo stared at him for another moment, then turned to the captain, “I want to see him better.” 

“What?” 

“Don’t worry Doctor, he can’t see us, nor hear us talking.” 

Leonard watched the cat jumping down, moving closer to the blonde. Even if Jim couldn’t see him, he wasn’t sure it was fair to stay around him like that, spying on him… still, this could be the last chance he had to be close to him… 

Jo moved in front of Jim, looking up at him still hiding his face into his hands. 

Leonard was two steps away, “You need to stare at him like that?” he asked nervously. 

She turned to look at him, “You really care about him…” 

“He was- he is my friend. I don’t like people staring at him when he’s down.” 

Jo seemed to think about it, then jumped to sat next to Jim: the man didn’t even flinched, completely unaware of their presence. “He is very sad about what happened to you, Doctor.” 

“I know he is,” Leonard murmured, “I know he’s blaming himself for my death…” he took a deep breath, “but he shouldn’t.” 

Jim lowered his arms on his legs, still looking down. 

“You don’t think is his fault anymore?” Jo asked. 

“He should’ve been more careful, sure, but if not even Spock found anything weird about that box, hardly someone else would’ve.” Leonard sighed, looking down at his living friend, “I told him so many times to be careful... I should’ve known that I would be the one paying for it one time or another.” 

Jim let out a broken breath before lower his head into his hands again. 

Leonard moved closer, looking worryingly at him, “He’s gonna hyperventilate…” he said, looking around for Uhura, but she was nowhere to be found. He looked at his captain and crouched in front of him, “Jim, calm down.” 

“He can’t hear you,” Jo said. 

“Jim…” Leonard ignored her and moved a hand to grab his shoulder, but it was like trying to touch a hologram: his hand just passed through. “Damn it… Jim, you need to breathe slowly, come on…” but Jim’s breathing was still fast and shuttered and painful to watch. “You can’t do anything?” he asked the cat, “Please.” 

Jo stared at him for a long moment, then looked at Jim and a place a paw over his leg: Jim gasped a bit more, but then slowly started to breathe more normally. 

Leonard blinked in surprise, “So you can touch him?” 

“Not really. Is like a shadow of my powers.” Jo said, “I can feel how humans are feeling… and your friend is so confusing.” 

“Confusing?” 

“He wants you back. He is sad, angry and in pain. He wants revenge, but a part of him still think that your death is just a bad dream. He would rather be dead in your place.” 

Leonard looked at her in awe, then at the man, and just then it hit him: he would’ve been even more devastated if it was Jim to be dead: no cat-Goddess to save him, he would be dead once and for all. Jim would be gone forever. “It’s better this way… I don’t know what I would’ve done by now if it was him in my place.” 

“So you don’t hate him…” 

“Huh? No, why should I-?” He sighed, “Just because he rejected me, doesn’t mean that I want to see him dead.” 

“He did?” Jo asked, “He rejected you?” 

“You said you saw what happened between us.” 

“I did, but I don’t remember your friend rejecting you.” 

“You must be a very blind Goddess then.” 

“Tell me when he rejected you.” 

“He-“ Leonard’ snort was cut short when he thought better: Jim clearly wanted him that night, but the morning after he was instantly on the defensive, quickly declaring that that night meant nothing and just to forget about it… 

“You told him you didn’t wanted to forget?” Jo pressed. 

“It was clear that I didn’t wanted to, that’s why I tried to talk with him about it.” 

“But you didn’t. You left.” 

“He said that that night meant nothing. What was I supposed to do about that? I wanted to talk, I tried, but he just-“ 

“Maybe he was scared to lose your friendship because of what he did that night.” Jo said calmly, “He started it, after all.” 

_And he wasn’t even that drunk_. Those statements hit Leonard like a punch in the stomach. He looked at Jim again, sat in front of him in agony and sadness, “You thought that forget was for the better... that that was what I wanted?” 

Jim took a deep breath standing up, walking around in the square. 

Leonard stood as well, looking sadly at him, “I’m so used to Jim jumping in every situation without second thoughts… That he could be scared after one night with me, never crossed my mind.” He sighed, looking at Jo, “I gave up too easily?” 

“Maybe,” she said staring back, “but I think you both took a step back when one forward was needed.” 

He looked back at his captain pacing in the square, “I’m not sure he was actually ready to do that for me...” 

Jo moved her tail, “You’re scared as well.” 

“Of course I am. I care about our friendship too.” He snorted and flinched when the cat jumped over his back, taking place on his shoulders, feeling the soft tail against the side of his neck. 

“You two really care about each other. That’s what had kept you two so close, and also what stopped you from getting closer than that.” 

“Told you, humans and feelings aren’t that simple.” He sighed and saw Nyota coming back without drinks. Instead, she looked tense approaching Jim, so he moved closer to listen. 

“Spock said that another conference started.” She said. 

“About what?” Jim asked, even tenser than before. 

“Pike didn’t say anything to him.” She said and her Captain was already running back inside. 

“Jim- damn it…” Leonard yelled as if someone could hear him. “He won’t be of any help if he starts screaming at the Council again…” 

“Shortcut,” Jo said. 

“Huh?” In the second it took Leonard to look at the cat, they were in front of the conference room again, “Woah! O-ok…” 

“Travel through this dimension is easy for me.” She giggles. 

“I wish I could say this was the strangest thing happened so far…” he murmured, looking at Spock still in front of the door, immobile like a statue, talking with two men of the security team, but he turned around when he heard footsteps approaching, and Leonard did the same, watching Jim and Nyota reaching fast for him. 

“They’re calling Nay’la again?” Jim asked. 

“I presume,” Spock nodded, “but I got no other information.” 

“I have to enter.” Jim said, but the two men were still in front of the door, blocking the way, “Guys, seriously. I don’t have time for this.” He warned them. 

“We can’t let anyone enter, Captain Kirk.” Said one of them. 

“Then call Pike, ask him. I was in there before, I can-“ 

“Admiral Marcus specifically said no one.” 

Leonard was watching them carefully, “Jim, don’t-“ 

“You’ll have to stop me, then.” That said Jim moved forward to open the door. One of the men grabbed his shoulder, he answered with a punch and, a second later, the three of them were fighting under the worried look of Uhura and Spock that moved quickly to stop his Captain. 

Leonard sighed, shaking his head. 

“As I said, his desired of revenge is strong,” Jo commented, still stretched over his shoulders.

“This isn’t going to make things better.” 

“Maybe not for you…” 

He looked at the cat again, “What you mean?” 

“Captain Kirk just lost his dearest friend. Hate and revenge are the easiest ways to smooth the pain, Doctor. Until you understand they won’t bring back what you’ve lost.” 

Leonard said nothing, looking at fight: Spock managed to take Jim away, both him and the two guards with cuts and bruises over their faces. After some words with Uhura, she nodded and her two friends left again.

Leonard could only follow them. 

 

Once in the little infirmary, Jim sat on one of the bed in silence, eyes glued to the floor and a pack of ice against the face. After a long moment, he murmured, “Spock, say something or just leave.” 

The Vulcan was standing next to him, a serious glare on his face. “I understand the situation, but I think it is better for you not join the meeting with the Nay’la’s Ambassador at the moment.” 

He looked up with a deadly glare.

“Captain, you’re too much involved.” 

“Oh really? You think?” 

Spock blinked and luckily for him, he spotted the irony this time, “Then why you insist to-“ 

“Because Bones is dead, Spock, that’s why!” he screamed in anger. All the room was suddenly completely silent. 

Leonard was some steps away from them and that scream hit him like a slap. He died and he shattered his friend’s heart, without realizing how bad that could’ve been… until now. 

Spock watched him hide his face in the ice-pack again, so he sat in the bed next to him, face to face, but said nothing else. 

After a moment of tense silence, the nurses and doctors around started to move back to their duties, aware of the need to give the two of them some privacy. 

“I was right, you know?” Jim said after a moment, “When you found me in the bar that night, the first thing I said was that I am an idiot: that was absolutely right.” 

“I beg to differ.” 

Jim looked up at him, “You remember what you said to me when I told you what happened between me and Bones?” 

Leonard blinked twice, flinching so suddenly that Jo almost fell from his shoulders, “You didn’t want to talk with me, but you talked about it with _him_?” he said, astonished. 

“I suggested you to clarify the situation with Doctor- with Leonard.” Spock nodded. 

“You _what_?” Leonard said with a deep frown of surprise direct at the Vulcan.

Jim smiled sadly, “You already knew at the time, did you? You knew that I'd made a mistake.” 

“You usually do, but I rarely saw you ignoring them. That’s why I felt the need to insist on it.” 

Jim shook his head looking down, “I couldn’t believe what I did to Bones until it was too late and he was there, and he- he wanted to talk about it.” He took a deep breath, “I knew what he was going to say, that what happened meant nothing, that we should just forget about it like it never happened… I thought it would hurt less not hearing him say it, so I did.” 

Leonard swallowed hard, shaking his head in disbelief: he was right. He should’ve known that Jim would be able to hurt him like that because he thought it was the only way to protect their friendship, “How could you just assume that I-“ 

“And then I saw his face and I saw I was wrong. I was so wrong, Spock…” Jim continued sadly, “I saw that I was wrong and I was terrified, I couldn’t- I couldn’t believe it. I never felt so accepted- so desired by someone like that night. It felt like I was in the right place, with the right person for once, and I just couldn’t believe it...” 

Spock met his eyes but said nothing. 

“And when he tried to talk about it, I told him that what happened meant nothing… Basically, I said that we- that he meant nothing to me…” Jim huffed a laugh, a so sad laugh, “I needed to see him die to realize that he meant everything.” 

Leonard took a deep, shuttered breath, eyes watery while he saw the Vulcan slowly place a hand over Jim’s shoulder while he silently cried against the ice-pack. 

Jo looked at them, then at the Doctor and gently brushed her nose against his cheek, saying nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go chapter 6- save yourself!
> 
> *I like Supernatural too much not to put a little reference somewhere in this one*

When Spock arrived at the infirmary that same night, he found Nyota outside the room, and he felt a strange pang of worry at the sad expression on her face. 

She sighed and looked at him, forcing a little smile, “He’s sleeping.” 

They both peeked inside: Jim was laying on his side, giving his back to all the rest of the room. 

“Tranquillizer shouldn’t be out his system by now?” Spock asked. 

“Yes. He’s just resting. I think that’s what he needs for now.” She took a deep breath, “You talked with Admiral Pike?” 

“No. If there was another meeting, I was not informed.” 

Nyota looked at her Captain one last time, then turned around, “The rest of the crew asked for him- and for you. Scotty is ready to march in here and it would be better for everyone to avoid that.” 

“I agree. We should give them the explanation they need.” He said and looked briefly inside the room. 

“I doubt he’ll move from the bed for now. Come on.” Nyota said gently, moving away and after a moment, Spock followed. 

In the room, Leonard was sitting on the bed next to Jim’s, looking in the corridor outside and then back at him, “Tranquillizer,” he snorted, “You just needed a cold shower.” 

Jim keep hiding from everyone and everything, immobile on the bed, his head placed over one arm. 

“It’s strange not hearing you say something back. I was used to it.” He continued, staring at his back. “I missed my chance, did I?” He murmured after a moment, “I should’ve known that you were going to take the easier way out… but assuming that I wanted the same? That’s on you, kid. And now I’ll never know if-“ Leonard stopped, looking down, “This is something I could hunt you all your like for, you know? You sure would deserve a ghost knocking things down, making creepy sounds into the night… you sure deserve that...” 

Jim moved a bit into the bed, his hair messy over the pillow. 

“Because I don’t think I’m ready to let you go- not because of a stupid bomb…” Leonard sighed, looking sadly at him, “I don’t know if there’s a way to come back at all, but I can’t leave if you’ll keep blaming yourself like this…” And after those words he shivered, looking behind him and blinked in surprise: there was a white door in the middle of the wall, a door different from the others and that surely it wasn’t there before. 

Leonard stood up, moving slowly closer to it: there were no symbols, no words on the white surface, and it was as if something was calling him from behind that door. 

When he was two steps from it, he felt his back stabbed by a series of little knives and, jumping and gasping, he realized that were Jo’s claws. “Damn it! Those razor blades of yours hurt, you know?!” 

“So you can see it?” she murmured against his head, staring at the unknown door, “Don’t get too close to it, Doctor.” 

“Why? You know what that is?” 

“I’m not sure… probably is Death’s warning.” 

Leonard froze for a second, “Pardon?” 

“There’s a lot of people interested in a lost soul, Doctor,” Jo said while the door suddenly disappeared, “I’m not the only one curious about humans, but I usually don’t care much about souls. You are a strange exception.” 

“W-why is that?” 

“I told you, I can be kind when people treat me right,” she said, purring against his face, “but I’m not at Death’s service. Keeping you here, I’m making others angry… I’m not even a human’s God anymore, after all.” 

“And with _others_ you mean Death itself?” 

“He’s one of them, yes.” 

“ _He_?” 

“I meet him once, a very creepy man, all work and no fun… he like hamburgers, though.” Jo saw him staring in silence, “Come on Doctor, don’t tell me you can believe a talking-cat being a Goddess, but not that Death is a man that likes human’s fast food?” 

“I guess I just need some time to elaborate...” He said slowly, sitting down on a bed again. 

“Take your time, but don’t get close to that door if you see it again.” 

Leonard watched the cat jumping next to him, sniffing the bed, and he asked, “Wait, you said this- these other Gods are angry at you?” 

“Some of them are. Saving human’s souls is not really my area.” 

“And they can hurt you?” 

“Yes, but don’t worry about it for now. I’ll keep watching over you. You’re still my responsibility.” Jo said, looking calmly at him.

“Thanks, but- you said you can’t take me back to life, so… what will happen to me?” 

“You’re still free to decide. I can understand if stay here is not enough… or too much to bear.” 

He thought for a moment, “Even if I wanted to stay here, how long you’ll be able to keep me here before- Death or something else will come to get me?” 

“Not forever, Doctor. I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to grant you to spend here. I’m sorry.” 

Leonard swallowed hard and looked down at Jim, “I don’t want to leave… I can’t leave him just like this, it’s- it’s not fair.” 

After some moment, Jim turned around on his back, eyes open on the ceiling, a hard look on his face before he placed an arm over it. 

Leonard stared at him, “It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.” 

Jo studied them before turning around when someone entered the room. 

Jim looked up and saw Admiral Pike on the doorstep, “Sir.” He saluted coldly, waiting. 

“We got another call from Nay’la this afternoon. They found out who put the bomb in one of the boxes.” 

Jim blinked awake and sat up. “They-“ 

“The Ambassador explained to us how Nay’la usually deals with traitors and Admiral Marcus accepted their apologies, giving them the permission to do with the attackers what they think will be more fair.” 

“What? Are you-“ 

“Marcus won’t change his decision, Jim. Nor his mind.” Pike interrupted patiently, “If you’re stubborn, he’s at your same level, so don’t even think about storming in his office to start another fight.” 

Jim stared at him in a tense, angry silence. 

“From what Ilo’ra told us, the group responsible for the attack will be executed or banished forever from Nay’la. She asked only one member of the Starfleet to join them before take the official decision, and she said it should be you.” 

“What?” Jim and Leonard said at the same time. 

“She seems to care a lot about your trust. She said she was impressed by your determination creating a friendship with them, and because one of your crew was involved, it would be fair for you to let them know what you think, as a member of the Starfleet as well.” 

Jim took a deep breath, thinking in silence. 

“Admiral Marcus approves the idea, but you can still refuse. Whatever you’ll decide, Ilo’ra asked to talk with you one last time, so come back to the conference room when you’re ready.” 

“You approve the idea as well?” Jim asked before he could leave. 

Pike sighed, expression calmer, “I trust you’ll take the right decision.” 

“ _Right decision_?” Leonard yelled, “He was ready to destroy that planet with a nuke a second ago!” 

Jim just nodded and watched him leave the room. Taking just a moment to wash his face, he was already marching back outside, into the night, direct to the HQ once again.

“This isn’t good… not at all.” Leonard keeps saying, following him with Jo into his arms.

“I think let your Captain take part into the decision of the sentence is a fair decision from the Nay’la’s Ambassador.” Jo commented. 

“It would be better for them to decide on their own. Jim doesn't need to face something like this.” 

“He looks ready for it.” 

“He _always_ looks ready, then his doctor has to pay for it.” He growled in irritation. 

 

When Jim reached the meeting room, there were only Pike and Admiral Marcus waiting outside, and they stopped talking when he was closer. 

“You ready?” Pike asked and the young captain nodded. 

“I’m sorry for the loss of Doctor McCoy, Kirk.” Marcus said, face and voice serious as always, “I’m sure he was an important member of your crew, but I’m confident that Nay’la’s people will take care of the problem better than we would.” 

“How come, sir?” Jim asked, face as serious as his. 

“They will remember that we let them deal with their own traitors, instead of asking to take those bunch of terrorists here and take care of them by ourselves.” Marcus took a deep breath, “We don’t want to start a war, and I’m sure they don’t want that either.” 

Leonard knew Jim too much not to see silent anger into his eyes, “You’re not helping, sir.” He sighed. 

“Come on. The Ambassador is waiting for you.” Pike said, moving away from the door. 

Jim entered the room without saying anything else, nor looking at Admiral Marcus again. The room was empty and quiet, only the device on the table was on: a light blinking silently, waiting to start the call, and he stared at it for a long moment after the door closed behind him. 

Leonard was next to him and sighed. “It’s so frustrating…” He murmured. 

“What is?” Jo asked, still into his arms. 

“Being right here and just watch. I can’t tell him to stop- I can’t tell him not to go back to Nay’la.” 

“Why you think he shouldn’t? He could have justice for your death.” 

“He doesn't want justice...” 

Jo stared at the Doctor until she noticed the Captain approaching the table and pushing a button on the device, starting the call. The Nay’la’s Ambassador appeared after few seconds. 

“You asked for me,” Jim said, voice low and flat. 

Ilo’ra nodded, “Thank you for accepting to talk with me.” 

“Looks like that’s all I can do.” 

She stared at him for a moment, then slowly started to explain, “We found out who hid the bomb in the box I gave you. They are part of a little clan- a peaceful clan that didn’t know anything about their plans, nor encouraged them, or anyone else, to attack you.”

Jim stayed silent, staring at her. 

Ilo’ra took a deep breath, unsure for a second, then seemed to thought about something before continuing, “Captain, you remember when we stopped fighting each other? You were looking at all the different people that were around as if you were surprised to find so many different tribes in one, little planet as ours...” 

“I was more surprised having to fight people that I know used to live light’s years from Nay’la. You want my apologies for that?” 

“No, I don’t.” She shook her head sadly, “What I mean, is that your surprise should help you understand Nay’la situation: lots of people used to stop here in the past, to start a new life, each one from different places and for different reasons. In the last hundreds of years, we managed to have at least one communal language, but there are little groups that still want to preserve their past, their traditions.” 

“You called me for a history lesson, Ambassador?” Jim said with indifference. 

She sighed, “What I’m trying to say, is that with all these different people living together, we needed to find something that could help us to maintain peace between us, something that all of us could respect- something that we still respect, and for how unreliable it could sound to you now, that thing is trust. Is loyalty.” 

Jim blinked and then huffed a laugh, crossing his arms, “ _Unreliable_ ,” he repeated coldly, “It sounds more like a bad joke, to me.” 

“It is not a joke for us.” Ilo’ra insisted more seriously, “If we attacked you the first times- if we are so strict with strangers now, it’s because we have had bad people joining us in the past as well, and lots of lives were lost to defend ourselves- to defend that peace that we have now. That’s why, to keep it this way, we can’t tolerate any kind of traitors. The sentence for such crime is execution or being banished for life from Nay’la.” She saw him staring in silence again, so she continued more calmly, “Not all the tribes were open to accepting other laws, but respect is something everyone wants, so is taken seriously from most of us and it kind of became a global rule that even the Council can’t ignore.” 

“Alright. Nay’la didn’t betrayed us, good. That’s what you needed to say that to me personally?” 

“Yes, because I thought it would be right to-“ 

“You know what would be right? Let you choose one box out of three and see what’s inside only when you’re home.” 

Leonard sighed, “Jim, come on…” 

The two of them stared at each other for a long moment, then Ilo’ra said, “I understand your hate. I’m not asking for forgiveness right now. I’m asking you not to think of us as enemies only because four people thought differently.” 

“Then why you asked my superior to send me back there?” Jim hissed, “Just to forgive and forget? To see your _justice_ at work?” 

“I thought justice was what you were seeking.” 

“Justice won’t bring him back,” Jim said before he could stop the words, and looked down when a slight surprise appeared on Ilo’ra’s face, just as happened on Leonard’s. 

“Revenge will?” Ilo’ra asked after a moment, voice low and serious. 

Jim shook his head, sitting on one of the chairs in front of the table, face dropped into one hand. “No, but maybe it would help me feel less guilty.” 

“You didn’t put that bomb in my hands, Jim, it wasn’t all your fault,” Leonard said, moving next to him while Jo jumped down on the table. 

“Captain Kirk.” Ilo’ra called after another moment, “Is this call private?” she asked when he looked up. 

He took a breath and then tiredly pressed another button, “It is now.” 

“There is another reason why I wanted to talk with you,” she said slowly, “I saw how much you cared about the friend you’ve lost, and trust me, I can understand the pain you’re feeling.” 

“I doubt it.” He commented sadly. 

She looked down for a moment, thinking, then said, “Like I told you, we don’t tolerate betrayal between our clans and lots of people had to learn that the hard way… people on every side.” Ilo’ra took a deep breath and looked at him again, “We respect each other now, and we care even more to protect our friends and make amend when we fail. If revenge can help you deal with your loss, you can have it.” 

Leonard blinked and frowned at her, “Excuse me, what?” 

Jim was looking up at her the same way but said nothing. 

Ilo’ra’s face was serious, “They took your friend’s life. You can take theirs.” 

Jim was frowning now, “Are you asking me to-“ 

“There are high chances that the Council will not decide for the exile anyway. We’ll have our justice, and you can have your revenge if you want it.” Ilo’ra said.

“You-“ Leonard looked at her, then at him, “Listen here, you’re not going to kill anyone. Forget it, this is-“ 

“Take the time you need to make your decision. We’ll wait for you to come here.” Ilo’ra continued and when he nodded slowly, she saluted with another light bow and ended the call. 

“Jim, you can’t seriously consider to- Jim!” Leonard tried to follow him out the room, but then just stopped, with no idea of how to solve the situation. “He’s ready to kill for me…” he mumbled.

“I think it’s romantic,” Jo commented from the table. 

“Romantic, my ass! This is **insane**!” he yelled following his Captain. 

 

Jim met Spock right outside the building and, from his face, the Vulcan probably already had an idea about something bad was happening. “You’re here to tell me not to go?” 

“On the contrary,” Spock said, “I think it would be for the better talk with the Ambassador and discuss the possible sentence.” 

“You already knew about their laws?” 

“Yes, Captain. I discussed it with a member of Nay’la Council before we departed last time.” 

“Of course you did…” Jim sighed, then stared at him, “What would you do in my place, Spock? What decision you would take?” 

“I prefer not to alter your judgment considering the difficult moment.” 

“That’s why I’m asking you.” 

Spock thought for a moment, “The most diplomatic decision would be to approve the ban for the criminals… but a part of me doesn't consider that decision sufficient compared to Leonard’s death.” 

“Damn it, Spock, I need you to be the usual heartless bastard for once!” Leonard yelled next to them, staring unsure at both of them.

Jim took a deep breath, nodding slightly, “I’ll take a private shuttle to reach Nay’la. I don’t want to take the Enterprise and the crew there. I can take care of it myself.” 

“I have to disagree.” 

“Ok. You do that.” Jim said, walking away. 

“Captain, as your First Office I should accompany you.” Spock insisted after a moment of confusion, following him. 

“And as your Captain, I told you that I’ll go alone.” 

Spock’s frown gets deeper, “Jim…” 

“Don’t.” Jim stopped, pointing a finger at him, “Every time you try some puppy-eyes on me, you just creep me out, so don’t.” and he saw the Vulcan shut his mouth in a thin line. He took another deep breath, then said, “Only you. Tomorrow, before dawn. Be there or I’ll go alone.” And that said, he walked away. 

Leonard stared sadly at Jim, then at Spock, just to look twice at the Vulcan, “Well? That’s it? Is everybody ready to watch him go and become an assassin? What the hell is wrong with you?” 

“They are sure the Captain will take the right decision,” Jo commented, coming closer. 

“Let him kill someone is not the right decision!” 

Jo looked up at him, “Maybe. But they can’t know what the Captain is thinking like we do.” 

Leonard frowned a bit, then looked at the Vulcan again, “Damn it, Spock. You can’t see what he’s going to do? You really think he’s going for that diplomatic shit?” he shook his head, looking at the form of his Captain in the distance. He tighten his fist and looked angrily at the Vulcan, “You have to stop him, you hear me? I can’t do anything, so you have to stop him!” 

A loud crack came from the sky and the entire dimension veiled in purple slowly become darker and darker. 

Leonard looked around, “What the hell?” 

“You’re interfering too much with the livings, Doctor,” Jo said staring at the sky with angry eyes. 

He looked down at the cat, frowning, “Me? I’m dead, they can’t even-“ he suddenly looked back and Spock was looking at the sky, then in his direction- or directly at him? “Spock, stop him!” was all Leonard managed to scream before the world disappeared into pure darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of late because FFXV broke my heart into pieces and I'm still trying to recover. 
> 
> (Also, chapt. 7 it should be the last one but in the end, I decided to cut it in two and let the chapt. 8 become the epilogue. It should be up sooner... so yeah, we're almost done.)

Leonard hit hard on the floor, rolling a couple of times before the world finally stopped spinning. Breathing fast, he blinked against a gray, ruined ceiling with many cracks running side to side. 

Slowly, he stood up: that was the room he woke up into after his death, but it was darker now, ruined as if it was abandoned for years; the window was dirty enough not to allow to see outside the scratched glass; the chimney was dead cold and the couch next to it was ripped and stained. All the pictures on the walls, his desk, the bed… everything looked as if a terrible storm had passed. 

“Jo?” Leonard called looking around with growing anxiety. The only answer he got was the room shaking. He looked for the exit but the door wasn’t there anymore. “Damn it…” he murmured and moved to the window, trying in vain to open it. 

“It’s useless, Doctor…” 

Leonard looked behind himself and found Jo- or what looked like the cat-Goddess: it was more like a cat made of trembling smoke now. “What’s going on? What happened to you?” he asked kneeling in front of her. 

“It was the only way to keep you safe.” She said, all her body like a little, gray cloud. Only the eyes were steady and- alive. “I had to bring you back here.” 

“Safe from what? From who?” 

“As I told you, lots of people are interested in a lost soul.” 

Leonard sighed sadly, “You’re hurt?” 

“Not physically, but it took a lot of energy escaping from them. I…” she looked down at herself, “I don’t think I’ll be able to protect you out there anymore.” 

He took a deep breath, thinking fast, “I need to go back...” 

“Doctor, you won’t last long without me.” 

“I get it, but I have to go. I can’t let Jim ruin his life because of me,” he insisted, “He can’t understand the mistake he’s going to do- again, but if no one will stop him, I have to.” 

“You can’t do anything. You’re dead.” 

“Well, I’m gonna try anyway!” 

Jo stared at him, then said “No, you won’t.” before disappearing. 

“Wait- Jo! Come on, I can’t stay here doing nothing!” he yelled, looking around, “And even if I do, then what? You’re going to keep me in this room forever?” 

“What if I want to?” her voice came from everywhere. 

Leonard tightened his fist. “You said you wanted to help me.” 

“That’s what I did until now.” 

“You- you just made me see what a mess my death made in the real world and what I’ve lost! You just gave me regrets and guilt…” he sighed, shaking his head, “And maybe I deserve it, but if Jim is going to become a killer because of me… I can’t deal with that too.” He slowly sat down on the floor again. After a moment of sad silence, he looked up and the cat was in front of him again. 

“Your friend has already reached Nay’la.” 

“What? How? It was just a moment ago-“ 

“Times runs differently here.” 

Leonard looked at the cat with pleading eyes, “Please… if you really want to help me, let me help him.” 

“And how are you planning to do that?” she said coldly, “You can’t reach his dimension. He can’t see you or hear you. How you can be of any help to him?” 

“I don’t know.” He said with a serious expression, “I have no idea, but I have to try.” 

“Why? You’re going to lose yourself out there, without me. Others will find you and I won’t be able to save you this time.” 

“Like you said, I’m already dead. I have nothing to lose.” 

“Just your soul.” She deadpanned. “I thought it was important for humans.” 

“I don’t care what will happen to me. I can’t stay here watching him destroy himself.” 

She kept staring, then said more calmly, swinging slowly her tail, “ _Feelings_.” 

Leonard huffed a laugh and nodded, “That’s love for you.” 

“Love…” Jo repeated the word, almost tasting it. Then she blinked and disappeared again. 

Leonard looked around until he saw a door appearing again, so he stood up. 

“I still don’t fully understand your decision, Doctor…” Jo’s voice echoed into the room, “but I promised to help you, so that’s what I’ll do if this is your last wish. Once outside the room, I won’t be able to do much for you… I’ll try to help you as much as I can.”

He stared at the door, smiling a bit, “You can call me by name, you know?” 

There was a moment of silence, and then Jo said, “Good luck, Leonard.” 

He took a deep breath, looking around for a moment, “Thank you.” he said before grabbing the handle and step outside. 

 

Leonard kept his eyes closed, arms stretched forward until he looked up and found a tree in front of him. Turning around, he found himself in a forest, but- where was he? 

Feeling a shiver along his spine, he looked away and saw again the white, anonymous, hypnotic door he saw in the infirmary. “Not yet.” He murmured turning around and walking away from it. He could now feel the difference being in that dimension without Jo: the world wasn’t under that light-purple veil anymore, instead, it was darker; the air was cold and heavy and there were whispers coming from the darkest corners.

“Not yet…” he repeated without looking back nor stop, “You all evil creature better go find something else to hunt. I’m not done here yet.” Leonard froze when he finally stepped outside the woods: there was an ancient-looking city in front of him, with low and large buildings made of smooth dark stone; lot of people were running here and there, especially in front of the bigger building some kilometers away, where dozens of different species were reunited, some even unknown to him. 

“Not powerful enough to help me but enough to send me to another planet, you damn lying cat… this is Nay’la!” He snorted following the crowd that still ignored him completely. “Where’s Captain Idiot? He should be here somewhere...” Leonard murmured to himself, looking frantically around. “I remember that. Sulu took a picture of it...” he walked closer to a busy square with a big, single pillar in the middle, then looked on the left and spotted a blue shirt over the stairs of the big building he saw before, and he sighed in relief. 

Spock was staring at the bastion in front of him with a tense expression, almost _visibly_ nervous, completely ignoring the security agents working to keep the rest of the people away from the low, large stairs. 

“Mr. Spock, I’ve never been so happy to see you,” Leonard said when he stopped next to him, looking at the building and then at him, “He’s in there, is he? Damn stubborn kid…” That said, he walked to the entrance. 

“Jim is on the top floor.” 

“Got it,” Leonard answered automatically, then blinked and froze, turning around, surprised. 

Spock was keeping his eyes closed, “I’m not sure what you are. I never believed in ghost or trusted other illogical beliefs, but I have a strange feeling… A human feeling, I presume.” He took a deep breath, “Or this is all just a strange reaction to these particular circumstances.” 

“Welcome into the crazy world of feelings, Mr. Spock.” Leonard snorted and saw him open his eyes but looking too far away from him: the Vulcan still couldn’t see him, nor hear him. The doctor sighed and looked up at the top floor, “Ok. Now, I need to get there-“ and the second later he was _there_ , inside the building, “Damn Jo… I’ll never get used to this.” He murmured, starting to search for his captain. 

 

Jim was staring at the cloudy sky outside the window when he heard footsteps. 

Ilo’ra was there with three other members of the Council: she made her light bow again when she was in front of him, the long black dress moving slowly at the movement; her long red hair tangled in a low ponytail that fell over her chest. “Sorry for letting you wait.” She said, voice translated with the little device pinned on the collar of the dress. She nodded at the others that politely left them alone. “Now that you’re here, I want to apologise again, Captain. This was a terrible accident that will stay written in our history forever.” 

Jim huffed ironically, “Sent me a copy of the book when you’re done.” He said and saw her look down in silence. He took a deep breath, shaking his head, “Sorry.” 

“I know it’s not easy for you to forgive us. We try constantly to keep all the tribes under control, but it’s impossible to know what happens in each one of them- even more, keep an eye on every single group.” 

“I know, but right now you’re asking something impossible to _me_.” He said, voice serious and low, “You’re asking me to forgive, to understand... to get my revenge and forget, and I can’t do that. I have lost a friend, and this is just how I would treat anyone else that would have done the same.” 

Leonard was entering the little hall then, the little smile of relief slowly disappearing from his face. 

“I understand. I’m not asking for forgiveness right now, just for you not to hate all of us.” Ilo’ra said, and the Captain just nodded lightly. 

“So… you took your decision?” Ilo’ra asked. 

“I do. What about the Council?” 

“Ok, that’s enough.” Leonard snorted, “Enough with this stupid revenge thing, it’s-“

“All the Council voted for the execution of the criminals.” She looked worryingly at him, “But you’re not forced to-“ 

“I know I’m not. But I have to.” Jim interrupted, face cold as his voice, “How many of them are guilty?” 

“My God, are you serious?” Leonard moved next to him, “You can’t do it, you hear me? You don’t have to anything!” 

“Four men.” Ilo’ra said. 

Jim took a quick, deep breath, “We lost two of ours. I won’t-” his voice break there, and he looked down. 

Ilo’ra nodded, “Two of the criminals will wait for you at the end of the corridor, in the open hall. The Council will attend.” 

“You can’t see he don’t want to do it?” Leonard yelled at her, “How can you just let him kill someone like this?” 

“Are you sure you don’t want your First Officer to be present?” she asked carefully. 

“No.” Jim answered way too fast. “No, he… no. He can wait outside.” 

“Really, is this legal? Let a Captain of the Starfleet become a murderer- HEY!” Leonard yelled at Ilo’ra when she walked away. Turning to Jim, he almost felt sick watching his tense and scared face, “Jim, please, you’re not a killer. You- you told Spock about this? Talk with him!” 

The Captain kept staring down, then made a step forward, stopped again and proceeded, faster this time. 

“Jim- Jim!” Leonard moved to follow him, but a cold hand on his shoulder made him jump and look behind him: there was nothing but a creepy darkness coming closer and closer from the end of the corridor. “Damn it…” he forced himself to ignore it and run to reach his friend, “You don’t have to kill anyone. Let the Starfleet deal with it- let them just be banned from here.” He kept saying, but Jim was staring at the door in front of him, walking with no intention to stop. 

Leonard looked back, the darkness calmly following them, almost enjoying giving him those last moments. “Jim, seriously, I don’t want to see you becoming a killer before dying- again… come on, this isn’t you!” 

A thunder cracked the sky, and Jim stopped, looking outside another window for a moment. 

“You would never do such a thing,” Leonard pressed, “and I would never ask you to kill for me. This is-“ he sighed when the blonde started walking again, “JIM, listen to me!” he yelled still following, still feeling the cold darkness ready to get him. “You ignored me once and you saw what happened! This isn’t going to fix anything!” 

“I know that.” 

“Then don’t do it!” 

“This is all I _can_ do.” 

“For what? For me? Because you feel guilty? Becoming a killer won’t make you feel any better.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Damn it Jim- I’m dead! I’m not that important anymore-“ 

Jim grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, smashing him against the wall, “You are important to me!” he shouted in anger, but that was gone a second later: a completely blank expression taking its place. 

Leonard blinked a couple of times, looking down at Jim’s hands grabbing him, then up at the captain, both of them frozen on the spot, confusion slowly creeping upon them. He tried to say something, but when his lips parted, Jim abruptly let him go, taking a step back, frowning more and more. 

The doctor looked down at himself and saw his own hands shining like the rest of his body and before he could do anything, the world disappeared in the light. 

Jim blinked fast until the light coming from Bones’ body became too strong, forcing him to cover his eyes with an arm. When he was able to look in front of him again, he almost felt his heart drop on the floor. 

Leonard opened his eyes again, breathing and blinking fast. Staring at himself, his body still shining slightly, he slowly looked up, “Jim-“ he moved to grab his arm, but the Captain flinched and took another step back. 

And there Jim saw it again: that bad-hidden hurt on Bones’ face… Bones, Leonard McCoy, his doctor, right there in front of him. That hurt face suddenly cleared all the doubts, suddenly what just happened wasn’t important anymore: all Jim could think was _I don’t want to see that face never again_. A second later, he saw the doctor slowly crash down on the floor. 

Leonard couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t speak and he knew he was going to faint. Trying to keep his open, he heard Jim’s voice calling his name, then more people coming next to him but it wasn’t Jim, that was busy yelling at someone else.

“Let him go!” 

“They’re just trying to help-“ 

“Stay away from him- HEY!” 

“Captain, please!” 

Leonard shut his eyes again when a gasp turned into a storm of coughs that forced him to roll on his side on the cold floor. Breathing hard, his head was painfully heavy as if he wasn’t even able to hear his own thought, but he recognized Jim’s voice and saw a glimpse of the man behind the people that were hovering over him. The captain was so pale and so worried while they were trying to keep him still against the wall. “Let him-” was all he managed to say before lost conscious.

.-.-.-.

“You are a very lucky man, Doctor.”

Leonard slowly opened his eyes: he was in his room again… the _after death_ room, sitting on the couch. The place was empty again, but not all ruined anymore. Looking at his left, there was a woman dressed in black sitting on another couch, with short, curly gray hair and two golden eyes shining on her calm and gentle face. 

“You came back after a long journey.” She said. 

Leonard thought for a moment and then blinked, more awake, “I was… dead…?” 

“Yes, you were.” 

“Someone helped me...” 

“Oh really? Let me guess… a cat?” 

Leonard frowned a bit, looking better at her. “Jo…?”

The lady smiled, “Like I said, you are a very lucky man, Leonard.” 

“You- you’re not a cat anymore?” 

“No. I decided to look more… human.” 

Leonard thought for a moment, “Why the cat, then?” 

Jo huffed a little laugh, “I don’t know. I like them, I guess.” 

He looked around again: there wasn’t any other furniture there, just the lonely window over a gray, dense mist. “So… this is the end?” 

“It is. For one of us.” 

“I thought you said you couldn’t help me out there…”

“I tried my best.” 

“I know. Thanks.” He sighed, “I didn’t make it in time? I couldn’t stop him…” 

“Leonard, I have something to tell you.” 

He blinked and looked at her. 

“I lied to you. Twice.” 

Leonard tried to say something, then dropped his shoulder with a single, “Oh.” 

“You don’t want to hear about what?” 

“I’m not sure I do.” 

Jo smiled a bit, “Remember when you asked me if I was a Goddess? I said that I was… kind of. But in reality, well…” 

“In reality… you’re not?” Leonard said slowly and she shook her head, “Alright… do I want to know what you really are?” 

“I’m more like a spirit… and not a very good one.” She said, then looked at him almost curiously, “And this is the second time I’ve acted against my nature. Both times because of you.”

Leonard stared at her for a long moment before talk, “Sorry…?”

Jo smiled patiently, “No need to be. It was my choice. It was a promise, actually. The last promise I’ve made to my people after they died. Nay’la is not my home, you know.” 

He blinked, “Your people died? All of them?” 

Jo nodded, “I could’ve done something for them, but I was different at the time, I wasn’t friendly like I am now with you. My planet was dying, but I didn’t care about it, nor about the people living there. Some of them knew about me, they asked for help, prayed for it, but I simply refuse to listen because- why I should have?”

“Then why you helped me?” 

“Because of a promise,” She said, more seriously, “While the planet was dying, a woman talked with me, asked me to save his son. She tried to convince me, she said that even one person would’ve made the difference, but that was nonsense for me and I did nothing.” Jo took a deep breath, “Before the end, she told me that they would be forgotten, and the same destiny was waiting for me because no one would remember me. I thought better about it too late, when all left of me was a statue that managed to arrive in Nay’la. And in your hands.” 

Leonard stared at her but said nothing.

“I never actually realized that that woman was right until I found myself alone on a dead planet… then I moved to Nay’la, but there was no place for a forgotten spirit. My memory would disappear just like lots of other old spirits…” 

“So you decided to save me to be remembered by someone.” 

Jo looked up at him, surprised to see him smile a little. “Sadly, you’re going to forget something, but I really hope you’ll remember about me despite the lies.” 

“I’ll forget about you anyway?” 

“I’m not sure… but I know there are things that humans can’t keep in their memories.” She sighed sadly, “I’m sorry, Doctor. I told you I’m not a very good spirit.” 

“You saved my life- well, my soul, after my death. I was able to see my friends one last time. You’re beyond good, trust me.” 

“You think so?” 

“If I’ll ever reborn, I’m sure I’ll love cats unconditionally.” He huffed, then frowned a bit, “What about the other lie? Didn’t you said that you lied twice?” 

“I did.” 

“About what?” 

Jo looked at him caringly, “That I wasn’t strong enough to save you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast as I promised, here's the ending.  
> Hope you all enjoyed this little story (that actually become longer than I've planned at the beginning, but I'm used to this by now) and let me know if the end will be satisfying enough. I have more angst in my blood than happy endings, so I'm still staring at this chapter with critical eyes...  
> *go back crying about FFXV*

Leonard opened his eyes finding Spock’s face close to his, eyes closed and hands on the sides of his head. He stared at the Vulcan hovering over him until he finally blinked and looked down at him, taking a deep breath. “That looks awfully like a sigh of relief, Mr. Spock.” He murmured. 

“It was.” He said with his usual calm, moving back a bit, but his hands stood still. 

Leonard blinked a couple of times, looking around in the little, half-empty room he didn’t know, then at him again, “You can see me…?” 

“Yes, Doctor, I can see you.” He nodded, removing his hands. 

“Wait.” 

Spock stopped his arms halfway, looking curiously at him while he tried to grab one of them. 

It took some effort, but Leonard managed to grasp his wrist as if his life was depending on it. “Why it’s so hard to move?” 

“You’ll need some time to recover, Doctor. I presume you were in a place not exactly made for humans to stay.” 

“I was-“ Leonard stopped, his hand shaking a bit. 

Spock cover it with his own. 

“You saw it?” the Doctor asked.

“Just fragments.” 

“I- I remember her…” 

“Her?” 

Leonard took a breath, “A cat.” _A cat saved my life…_

“Then, I believe we own that cat our thanks.” Spock said, but the other just looked down, “Doctor?” 

“I’m back? I’m really… am I alive?” 

“You are indeed much alive. You came back a week ago.” 

“A week? I was asleep for a week?” 

“I’m confident your body needed some time to come back to normal as well.” 

Leonard swallowed, “I wasn’t normal?” 

“Not completely. Your whole body was still shining. We had to keep you isolated for some time. I was one of the few able to come near you. Someone of the Nay’la’s tribes tried to help, but no one was able to elucidate about what happened to you.”

Leonard blinked and let him go, staring at his hands that looked normal… at least it was now. “So we’re still on Nay’la?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Did I hurt someone?” 

“No. Everyone is fine.” 

Leonard thought for a long moment, then he grabbed his arm again, stronger this time, “Where’s Jim? Did he stop? Did you stop him?” 

He frowned, “Stop him, Doctor?” 

“From killing those people! He didn’t, right? Please tell me he didn’t kill anyone…” 

Spock stared at him for a long moment, “You knew about the sentence?” 

“I was dead, Spock, not deaf.” Leonard snorted trying to sit up, just barely, “I was stuck in- some kind of…“ 

“Into a parallel dimension?” Spock said, still studying him, “A dimension from where you were able to see and hear us. That’s what I thought.” 

“Of course you did. So, what happened?” 

“The meeting never happened. The sentence was postponed.” He looked intently at him, “Why you think the Captain had killed someone?” 

“Because he was going to. I tried to tell you to stop him, then I tried to stop him by myself and then- then I was back.” 

Spock nodded slowly, “Interesting. So the presence I felt in the past days it was actually you…” 

“That’s not the point, damn it! Why didn't you stop him? Why you weren’t there with him?” 

“The Captain’s orders were to wait for his return. He had not taken his decision yet at the time-“ 

“He did.” 

“He didn’t inform me about it.” 

“You would’ve seen it if you were there with him!” Leonard yelled, and put a hand on his head right after, feeling a headache creeping on him. 

“Don’t push yourself too much, Doctor.” 

He took some deep breath, “You should’ve stopped him… what if I wouldn’t come back- what if he would enter that room and kill them?” 

“I believe the Captain was ready to take the choice he considered most correct.” 

“Killing them for his need of revenge wasn’t the right choice.” 

“That he could kill someone that day, never crossed my mind.” Spock said, watching him looking up, “The Captain have my trust. I’ve never had reasons to regret it so far.” 

Jim would've stop? Maybe… Leonard wasn’t completely sure about it, but he sighed and looked down, feeling dead tired- what a sad joke to say to himself. 

“You need to rest,” Spock said helping him to lay down again. 

“Tell him to not kill anyone…” Leonard murmured, “Doctor’s order.” And he could at least feel a bit relieved when a light smile appeared on the Vulcan’s face before he fell asleep. 

 

The second time Leonard opened his eyes, the room was different, the ceiling higher and a big window on the left was sending rays of light on the pavement. Turning his head over the soft pillow, he blinked and stared.

James Kirk was sitting on the couch close by, looking down at his own hands. 

Leonard just stared at him for some time, so many different feelings kicking in that he couldn’t even decide which to show first. _Maybe I dreamed everything… maybe he can’t see me, I’m just dead again…_

Jim slowly looked up, eyes suddenly alert, all his body twitching and then froze. 

_Or not_ , Leonard answered to himself, staring at those blue eyes that were finally focused on him. “You’re here...” he said slowly, “’bout time.” 

The other released the breath he was holding. “I needed Spock to see you first.” He said carefully, then added, “To be sure that you- that you were…” his voice died again, then he straightened his back, “That it was really you.” 

“Who else I could be?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Leonard thought for a second, remembering the captain moving away when he tried to reach for him in that corridor, “That’s why…?” He saw him frown, so he sighed, “Never mind.” 

“I mind.”

“That’s why you pushed me away… You were scared.” 

“You say that like I shouldn’t be.” 

“Spock told me I was shining, but-“ 

“It wasn’t about that,” Jim said, voice shaking a bit, eyes angry, but also so sad and still full of guilt. “It wasn’t about the shining…” he repeated looking down. 

Leonard couldn’t stop from feeling guilty as well. He looked around for a moment, then decided to do the only thing that could help the situation get better: lying. “Spock didn’t tell you that I was stuck in another dimension? I wasn’t- I mean, I was there but I was here too, I saw you all after the accident. I kind of never left.” 

“You never left…?” 

“No. Just for a bit, but-“ 

“You just woke up, after everything we’ve been through, and the first thing you come up with is lie to me?” 

Leonard stared at the angry Captain with his mouth still partly open, voice suddenly lost. 

“I talked with Spock. He checked on you for a week, he checked your head and he told me what he saw, and what you said to him when you woke up the other day. I know you were actually, pretty certainly dead for almost five days before just reappear next to me in that corridor.” 

_Damn Vulcan_ , was what Leonard almost said out loud, but instead, he asked: “You let him mess with my brain?” 

“No. I _asked_ him to.”

“Great. Anything else? You asked him a piece of it too?” 

“I told you, we needed to be sure that it was really you.” 

“And you couldn’t wait and ask me, obviously.” 

“You stayed in a coma for a week.” 

“And like I said, you couldn’t wait.” 

“ **No, I couldn’t.** ” Jim almost yelled angrier than before, “I couldn’t wait because I was going to attend the death sentence of the people guilty of _your_ death when you suddenly decided to come back to life.” 

Leonard stared in silence. He wanted to say something, but nothing seemed the right answer to that speech. 

“I couldn’t wait, because I needed to know what the hell just happened- if you were a ghost or an alien or- or a zombie, or all three together, for what I know,” he continued, “And now you’re angry at me because I let Spock check on you?” 

The Doctor sighed, trying to sit up, but just managed to stay on one side, pushing on his elbow, “Jim-“ 

“Do you have any idea of what happened here? The mess we were after your death? The mess _I_ was after watching you die in that chamber?” 

“I do.” 

“No, you don’t! You have absolutely no idea of what I did, what I said- what I was going to do!” 

“I do! I saw it, I told you.” Leonard insisted, rising his voice just enough to be heard, “I was here all the time, I’m not lying. I died but something- someone helped me and kept me somewhere halfway. You couldn’t see me or hear me, but I could. I was there with you all the time.” He saw him slowly lose his anger, sadness taking its place, “I was there with you after the meeting, I saw you with Spock and Uhura, and I never left since then. I reappeared next to you because I never left your side. I refused to.” 

Jim stared at him in silence, eyes shining with tears, stubbornly keeping them from falling. 

Leonard took a deep breath, “I’m not angry at you about Spock… you had all the reasons to let him check on me, I know that. I just… it wasn’t easy on my side either. You were the only thing keeping me from disappearing into nothing, so sorry if I’m a bit edgy right now.” He finally, slowly managed to sit up and saw him still staring, trying to so hard not to break. “Jim, please… come here.” He sighed, stretching an arm and damn it hurt, but he tried anyway. 

“What I was going to do…” 

“Jim-“ 

“What I’ve done to you… I thought it was too late. I thought you were gone forever and I couldn’t even tell you how sorry I was for- God, I don’t even know how many mistakes anymore.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Yes, it does! You were dead and it was my fault. I should have listened to you about those boxes… I used you and then I simply tried to forget everything- then the accident… it was all because of me and it was too late to do anything. I couldn’t tell you that I didn’t want to forget- I said that what happened that night meant nothing, but-“ 

“It meant everything, I know. I heard you saying that.” Leonard smirked a bit at his surprised face, then he sighed patiently, “You should just stop being a bossy asshole sometimes, and listen to what people may have to say, because I would have said the same thing that morning, if you’d shut up for a second… and if I hadn’t left.” 

Jim stared at him with sad eyes, and with a blink, tears started falling down. He let his face fall into his hands, shoulders trembling while the silent cry. 

Leonard breathed deeply and carefully moved out the bed, testing his legs just enough to be sure to be able to make those two steps that were keeping him away from Jim. Glad not to be naked but dressed into clean, soft clothes, he unsteadily moved forward and sat- or fall down, next to the man, dragging him against himself, keeping him into a tight hug. “Never assume people’s feelings anymore, alright? You’re awful at it.” 

“Bones…” he said between the sobs, grabbing hard his arms, face against his chest.

“What now?” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“You couldn’t come up with something more romantic than that, could you?” 

After a moment of silence, Jim grasped even harder into him and said, “Don’t die on me ever again.” 

Leonard huffed a resigned laugh, caressing his back, chin over his blonde hair, “Well, I guess that’s something…” 

 

After that, Leonard was lost again, and he realized that when he woke up again, startled by something in his sleep that he couldn’t remember. Opening his eyes against someone that was keeping him stuck didn’t help: he tried to move, feeling tension and fear creeping quickly over him. 

“Hey… Bones, calm down.“ 

He stopped, blinking while the other started to move back, letting him more space to breathe, until Jim’s confused face appeared close to his. Leonard’s shoulders relaxed a bit, taking a shuttering breath before closing his eyes again. 

“You ok?” Jim asked. 

“Y-yeah…” 

“You’re shaking.” 

“I know.” He took another deep breath, “When we moved to the bed?” 

“You were dozing off, so I helped you to lay down… I should’ve left.” 

Leonard felt him trying to stand, but the thought of losing that safe embrace made his heart race even more, so he quickly moved forward to take him back in a hug, making him fall on the bed again. “You stay here.” 

“You sure?” Jim’s voice came from above his head. 

“Jim.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m still alive?” 

A pause, then the Captain took a breath and moved the arm stuck under his neck to hug his head, “Yes, you’re alive.” He said calmly. 

Leonard sighed at the hand moving through his hair, “I should’ve expected the nightmares…” 

“You had one now?” 

“I think. I can’t remember anything, but it sure wasn’t a nice dream. After everything that happened, I guess it’ll be hard to sleep for some time.” 

After a moment, Jim asked, “What you remember about those days?” 

“Not much… it’s all mixed up. I remember a room, a cat- and I remember watching you and the others when no one could see me. I remember most of that, but the rest is- I know there was more, but I can’t remember it.” 

“Did you just said… _a cat_?” 

“That cat helped me. I don’t know exactly how, but I know that I’m here because of a cat. I’m pretty sure it was a female cat.” He said against his chest, feeling him trying hard not to laugh, “Jim, I swear…” 

“Sorry. I’m sorry, but you have to admit that it sounds weird.” He said, a little smile in his voice. 

Leonard sighed, “I don’t even know who I have to thanks for being here again…” 

“Maybe you’ll remember it.” 

“I hope so.” 

Jim moved a bit, then asked, “You said you never left… do you mean it?” 

“Yeah. Well, I think I left for a moment- I can’t remember why, but then I was on Nay’la, trying to stop you.” He felt him go rigid against him, “And about that…” 

“You knew. You know what I was going to do.” 

Leonard closed his eyes, “Yes. And I still can’t believe Spock didn’t stop you. He said he was sure you wouldn’t kill them.” 

“It’s easy do things everyone just assume you would never do.” 

Leonard blinked and moved away and up, reaching the pillow with his head, both at the same eye-level now. “I think he was right. I think you would have stopped before the execution.” He said with a serious voice. 

Jim huffed a sarcastic laugh, “Not sure about that.” 

The Doctor thought for a moment, then asked, “You actually kill them? While I was in the coma?” 

Jim looked down for a moment, “I asked the Council to ban them. They accept it.” 

Leonard let out a little sigh of relief, “See? You’re not a killer.” 

“No, but they were. And they killed you.” 

“Exactly. I was dead, and what’s dead, stay dead… most of the time. Kill them would’ve changed that?” 

Jim stared at him with a mix of guilt and anger, “No, but maybe it would’ve helped to accept your death. For me- for us, you were dead, Bones. I had no idea you were there watching me. I saw your blood in that room. You were gone and avenge your death was the only thing I was still able to do. If it wasn’t for that cat, you-“ he stopped, closing his eyes, head down. 

“I know… I know, but I’m here now.” Leonard said quietly, moving closer to gently bump his forehead against his, “I’m here and we’ll try to not make other mistakes for a while. Deal?”

Jim took a deep, slow breath, “I’ll try.” He said and heard the doctor huff a soft laugh.  
.  
.  
.

_A week later_

“-es?”

Leonard woke up with a gasp, feeling his heart drumming into his ears. 

“Bones.” 

He quickly looked on the right and grabbed hard the person that was laying there next to him. 

Jim was studying him carefully but didn’t even flinched under the grasp. Instead, he looked worried and put a hand over his, “How bad this time?” 

Breathing hard, he thought for a moment, “Seven?” 

“Well, we’re making progress…” He shut up when he saw a tear rolling down his face, “Bones, you sure about that seven?” 

“Yeah…sorry. It’s the same nightmare of the last nights,” Leonard said tiredly, brushing away the tear, “Dark world, dark room and that cat.” 

“But still no name?” 

“I just can’t remember it.” He said nervously, slowly sitting up on the bed, “I know that a cat saved my life, but I can’t remember anything else about it. The more I try to remember, more nightmares I get. I hate this.” He let him go but Jim was sitting next to him now and keep his arm into his hands. “Sorry, I know this isn’t exactly the best time of our life…” 

“Just being with you is more than enough.” Jim murmured and huffed a laugh watching him rolling his eyes in resignation, “But I don’t like so see you so scared every night, and it’s already a week. You know I would thank that cat myself if I could, but…I don’t know, maybe it has to be this way.” 

“You think she doesn't want me to remember?” 

Jim took a breath, “I think that if you could remember, you would already.” 

Leonard looked down, “I feel like I should show my gratitude somehow… and I can’t even remember a name.” 

The Captain smiled a bit, “We’ll find a way. After breakfast.” 

“Uhm… Wasn’t your turn today?” 

“I know, I know…” Jim huffed a laugh leaving the bed and the room wearing just a t-shirt and boxers. 

Leonard breathed deeply and moved to do the same, wearing the trousers left on the chair. He then walked to the window and cleared the glass, watching San Francisco outside: not that blurred, dark world he saw in his nightmares but his true, very alive world. 

“We have to meet Spock in one hour. You remember, right?” Came Jim’s voice from the kitchen. 

“Yeah… can’t wait to lie to a Starfleet’s Council full of Admirals and Generals…” Leonard sighed and turned around, finding the worried Captain on the doorstep just like he was expecting- aside from the frying pan in one of his hand. 

“You’re still in time to change your mind, you know, that.” Jim said, face serious but betraying some worry, “If you want to tell them the truth…” 

After a moment, Leonard shook his head, “No… no, Spock is right. Coming back from the world of the dead? That’s gonna burn my entire career. We’ll keep up with me stuck in a parallel dimension for some days… they’ll buy it.” 

Jim stared at him, thinking, but then just nodded, moving back to the kitchen. 

“It would be funny to see how they would react to a resurrection, though.” Leonard snorted, wearing a shirt. 

“First pancake’s mine.” 

“Fine, but you better refill my fridge this time.” He sighed while walking out the room, “You make me cook for you, the least you can do is-“ Leonard froze in the living room, staring at the coffee table where the statue of a cat was placed. The same statue he grabbed the day he died. 

“I was ready to destroy it when Uhura bring it to me,” Jim said, moving next to him, staring at the statue “But, you know, after hearing your story, I thought that maybe you wanted to keep it...” He looked carefully at the doctor immobile at his side, “Was a bad idea brought it here?” 

Leonard shook himself when he touched his arm, “No. No, that’s- it’s fine. You were right. I’d like to keep it.” 

Jim smiled a bit, “Good.” Then the doorbell rang, “I bet that’s Spock. I told him to come here a bit earlier, not _hours_ earlier…” 

Leonard looked away from the statue just in time to drag Jim’s face back for a kiss, almost making him fall. “Thanks.” He said when he moved back, looking so earnestly at him to make him blush. 

Jim placed a hand over his heart, “I’m just thankful to feel this still beating.” He then smiled at him, “Now let me open the door or Spock’s good morning will be a speech about human’s good manners.” 

Leonard let him go before looking back at the statue. Smiling softly, he then heard and realized that the Vulcan was already in _long-ass speech mode_ , so it was his duty to go help his Captain, “Mr. Spock. Want some pancakes?” he interrupted, turning to the kitchen. 

“I don’t see the relevance with what I was saying-“ 

“Pancakes, Spock. They’re always relevant in any discussion.” 

“Logically speaking, your affirmation would be-“ 

“Shut up and eat.” Jim and Leonard groaned at the same time. 

The cat statue in the living room was looking at them and it seemed to smile somehow, under the day light.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
End


End file.
